The Real Word

Turs of Duty

2010-07-26T08:58:00.000+01:00

Norwegians have the idea of going for a walk or ‘tur’ instilled in them from an early age. This weekend I managed to get three different kinds of ‘turs’ ticked off the list of things to do in Oslo, further integrating myself as a Norwegian - Yes!

Firstly, a couple of friends took me out to view some of the local drinking highlights. This is invaluable in a new city, it cuts out a lot of wasted drinking time. I should say that this bar-tur wouldn’t actually be recognised as a Norwegian tur – going on a tur needs to be healthy and outdoorsy, it could be on skis, in a boat, or in the mountains. I like to think I put a British spin on it by making it involve drinking beer in dark rooms with loud music.

We went to The Nighthawk Diner, an American-style diner with great food and service and small booths you can sit in. This appeals to Norwegians who, as one of my companions for the evening put it: ‘Would hate the idea of going for a night out and actually having to be social.’

We also visited a bar where you can play old-school arcade games at your table like pac-man and space invaders (this bar also had booths to sit in). In a second room, which I only glimpsed on the way out, they also had a game played on long wooden tables that was something like curling. I have no idea what it was or what it was called but it without doubt the most exciting weird bar game I have ever seen in my life. Ceramic discs were spun slowly down an alley of wet wood with the aim of knocking opponents discs off at the far end. I’ll have to go back and play it and let you know what the hell it is. We walked back home at about 02:30, I guess that, as it was a walk, then it was technically a tur as well, but it might be better to call it a stumble.

A little worse the wear from my bar-tur the night before I decided a cycle ride would be just the thing to make me feel better. Not too sure where to go to on my road bike I decided to head for Holmenkollen, a famous ski jump in the hills above Oslo that is being rebuilt in time to be opened this winter. You can see it from the city centre so I figured I could get there without getting lost. I’ve mapped my ride here.

On the way there I fell in behind another guy on a road bike going at a similar pace. I tucked in behind him for most of the way. Having done this for about half an hour I started to feel a bit embarrassed about tailing him in silence. When you’re tucked in behind another rider they take some of the wind off you making it easier to cycle, so I was leaching off him. My cycling inexperience started to show: should I take the lead for a while? Introduce myself? Have a chat about cycling? Ask him if he was going all the way to Holmenkollen? I moved to overtake but as I came alongside him I got nervous and in the end I just smiled, said ‘Hi’ and sped off up the hill.

Holmenkollen is at 1200m elevation and we’d already been going up hill for a long stretch and I was tired, but having suddenly decided to leave this guy and take the hill I had no choice but to press ahead and make sure I didn’t see him again.

I made it to the top of Holmenkollen about ten minutes ahead of him. I know this because I nearly passed out at the top and had to stop for water and a banana. While I was doing that, sweating at the side of the road, he overtook me. He smiled at me in what might have been a triumphant sort of way. The lesson is: slow and steady wins the race. Unless you’re in the actual Tour de France and then fast and steady is probably better.

It took me about two hours to get up there and then twenty minutes to get down. I don’t have a speedo on my bike but I think it’s fair to say I may have broken the speed limit (although no bones) on the downward journey.

The third tur in three days was from our home in Sagene out to Mariasvannen, a reservoir close to Oslo. We followed the beautiful Akers river, but my mapping tool only lets me show you the closest road, see here. Akerselva dissects Oslo in along its North South Axis and we followed it away from the sea and out of town. There was a fine misty rain on Sunday, despite weather forecasters confidently predicting the best weekend of sunshine in the countries history but it made for nice walking weather, the whole place looked really luscious, green and beautiful. Within an hour we were outside of inhabited Oslo and looking at the huge expanse of Mariasvannen. I’m planning to mountain bike out there this week and take my fishing gear with me as long as I can work out how to buy a license from the post office.

In Norway they have a saying: ‘Ut på tur, aldri sur’ literally: 'Out for a walk, never sour'. I feel exhausted, damp and achy - but definitely happy.

Professional man of leisure

2010-07-01T11:05:00.001+01:00

New work strategy: become a professional man of leisure.

When we decided to move to Norway we started selling stuff so that we wouldn't have to transport it. Then I had a brief visit back to Norway and remembered just how expensive everything was. The new plan became to horde as much gear as possible and bring it all with us.

In a brilliant moment of foresight (to which I am not often privy) this included a lot of sports equipment, two bikes (mountain and road) a frisbee (yes, I'm counting a frisbee as sports equipment), two fishing roads (ditto) a basket ball, rugby boots and trainers.

What this all means is that despite not having a job and not being able to afford beer I can afford to get outside and do sports. I've joined the rugby team, I'm investigating cycling teams, Camilla and I shoot hoops in the evening and I'm going to go fishing this weekend. I'm not jogging. I hate jogging. But there's all kinds of healthy things I can be getting on with (when I'm not looking for work). I've lost half a stone.

A friend and I were talking about how training, exercise, sport and outdoor activities were absolutely integral to Norwegian culture. So I guess I'm integrating too. I'm even managing to tan without burning, something I've never managed before and something that immediately and completely camoflaged my Britishness. It's like an invisibility cloak having a tan (alright, a bit of colour) in Norway, people just assume you're not British.

I'm still meeting people and still enjoying the queues of a new countries administrative institutions - but you don't want to hear about that, it's boring. A highlight this week is that my Economist subscription has finally been rerouted so I'm back in the loop of International politics and intrigue. Hooray!

Me in the winning ORK side against OSI, Oslo

2010-06-21T08:33:00.000+01:00

I'm the one at the back right, in a very clean shirt and blissfully uninjured body.

The search goes on

2010-06-21T08:30:00.002+01:00

I'm still looking for work. I have an interview this week on Tuesday for two positions. They explicitly state on the application that native English speakers are preferred. I'm currently researching for both roles and have my fingers crossed that the interview will go well. I'd like you all to join me in crossing your own fingers too.

I'm also in discussion with three different organisations about freelance work, am continuing to meet people in the publishing and education business in Oslo and have thrown what limited support I have to offer behind a project to launch a Children's Literature and Storytelling centre, planned for the heart of Oslo.

The other thing I've been able to do, for the first time in 8 years, is play Rugby. I've joined ORK (Oslo Rugby Klubb) for training twice and for their match last Saturday, which they won. The picture of the winning side is above.

They were very kind and let me into the picture even though I was only actually on the field for less than a minute while the second row got a blood wound seen too. During that time I spectacularly failed to make an impact, unless you count knocking the ball forward almost immediately as making an impact.

To be honest I was relieved to be off the pitch. I need some more training to condition my body and remind me how to tackle properly. Otherwise I'm likely to get injured. The problem with me getting injured, or ill, at the moment is that I'm currently between medical insurance schemes and can't afford treatment. The UK kick you out of the National Insurance system if you say you're moving abroad. Norway won't let you in theirs until you have a job. (See above re: keeping your fingers crossed).

Two people were knocked out, one broke a rib and there were plenty of sprains and bruises. I'm going to stick to training for now.

Life begins in Oslo

2010-06-14T19:22:00.003+01:00

I'm now in the, slightly difficult to sustain, position of needing to get a job, but ALSO needing the threat of impending homelessness and doom to make the blog worth reading.

If the blog becomes a happy description of a perfect life in Norway with skis and ice-cream and friends and my own oil rig it'll be boring. Eventually I'll probably revert to discussions about zombies again and nobody wants that (Although you really all should because talking about it is the only way to prepare for it).

Lucikly, for this post at least, I'm still unemployed and therefore my life and dreams hang in the balance and if that's not enough to interest you then what the hell?!

This morning I woke up early to go and stand in the very long immigration queue. At the front of the queue I was told I could have stood in the much shorter immigration queue in some other building that I'd missed on the way to their building. But the joke was on them! I had seen the other queue but I didn't want a short queue. I was feeling homesick, I wanted a long queue. A queue with forms to fill out and then further forms to fill out because you'd filled them out slightly incorrectly. I was not disappointed.

I was disappointed at the treatment my British Passport received. My passport, like the passport of all British citizens was issued to my directly, along with a kiss on the cheek, by the Queen herself. She spends most of her time (when not on Royal display) nipping around the country in a van delivering peoples passports personally.

So when they gave it a bit of a funny look and then started prodding it and then holding it under ultra violet light and then picking at the corners of the personal information page and then calling another person over, and then asking to see my drivers license and then looking at my face and the picture in the passport about FIFTY times I felt compelled to ask them if there was a problem. They said my passport looked old. But I like my old passport, I'm trying to fill it with stamps. So? So it doesn't have any of the fancy iris technology or easy to use scanning things that one of your new-fangled passports has. It's retro. Retro is cool. Everyone knows that (apart from Norwegian immigration control).

Anyway, they recommended that I get a new one. You hear that Queen? One new passport over here please. Best get that van on a ferry sharpish.

In other - someone I vaguely know moved to Norway and insists on telling me all about it - news: This week I made a new front disc break on a mountain bike and made some curtains from actual material cloth to hang in the kitchen.

The big road trip

2010-06-08T11:56:00.003+01:00

Well the first thing I learned about doing a 24 hour road trip is that there's no way you can do live tweeting on the way.

Most obviously, you're driving - a lot. You can't fire off snappy messages. Even if you could you're so tired that they'd just say, "Now in Germany" or something equally pointless. Tiredness is cetainly a problem when you're driving for 24 hours. It's really important that you wait until you're the passenger before you let yourself fall asleep. Also logging onto the internet whilst abroad would have cost me what little I have saved up for arriving in Norway.

So I sent a few tweets and then decided to do a round-up summary blog about it instead. That's what this is.

I had grand plans for taking a picture of a manhole cover in each country. Everybody likes manhole covers, look there's even a blog about them here. However, we only found one interesting one in Oslo with a custom hole cut out of the middle of it for a lampost. Here's the link.

I also wanted to try some elaborate and local roadside dish in each place but we just kept eating ice creams. I did get one thing called a "kipstick" from the Netherlands, it was compressed chicken wrapped in cornflakes. It was nice (ish). Here's a picture of that too.

We managed it though, we drove there, all the way there, non stop in 23 hours. We slept about 2 hours each and the had our pedal to the metal on motorways for the rest of the time.

It was easier on the way back with a lighter van and less stress to deal with (we knew the route by then) but driving through the night on the way there meant no pesky traffic or trucks to deal with.

I've seen all the motorways of Europe from Autobahns to E-Roads and my analysis is: That they're all much the same but with different speed limits. Germany fastest, Norway slowest. Wow - that's the kind of exciting analysis I know you were all hoping for.

Have I learned anything about Europe along they way? No. Not really, only that Europe does feel homogenous, but not with the UK. My British family's insistince on this is a continuous source of annoyance to my European wife but there is a real divide. There's even an article about it in The Economist here. and everything I read in The Economist is always true.

After 2 days solid driving on motorways it starts to feel like the most boring simulator programme on a computer game. Imagine it: Sim-motorway, just hold the wheel steady for 23 hours and then turn around and watch all the same scenery again.

The total cost was about £750 which is £250 cheaper than the cheapest quote I could get for shipping. It was an adventure, an achievement of sorts, and I'm glad I did it. You can do it too using this informative Google map: MAP

Special thanks to my dad: Driver, navigator, co-pilot, reducer of stress, drier of tears. He of the credit card, the only-slightly-out sense of direction, the non-snorer was a constant travelling compaion. In fact, if you do this drive yourself, look him up.

I fly out to Oslo again on Thursday this week.

Then I need a job.

Hooray! An interesting manhole cover from oslo

2010-06-08T11:48:00.003+01:00

This ferry was named after my dad.

2010-06-08T11:48:00.001+01:00

A road side snack from the netherlands

2010-06-08T11:46:00.001+01:00

Roadtrip to Oslo tomorrow

2010-06-03T13:07:00.001+01:00

Last Friday was my last day with Egmont, where I’ve been working as a publicist for three years.
In my leaving speech I began loftily saying that leaving Egmont was like having to leave a really good party early, but degenerated into revealing that one important consideration of the move to Norway is that it’s more easily defensible from zombies.
Overall it was a good speech. Only one person cried and nobody hugged me, but I’m sure they would have done if they weren’t eating all the cakes.
I received the most amazing wrapping paper, covered in a repeating pattern of Chuck Norris (people think there’s a resemblance) and within that wrapping paper was whisky and a book about surviving Zombies (by Max Brooks) hence the zombie rant.
So just to clarify Norway is good for avoiding Zombies for the following reasons: Low Population Density, surrounded by water, high percentage of chainsaw ownership, lots of islands and shear rock cliff faces. Of course it’s never a sure thing with Zombies. According to Norwegian movie Dead Snow there are Zombie Nazis out there in the wastes of Svalbard and as most Norwegians are towering athletic types I reckon they’d make particularly hellish zombies.
But anyway, this is not a zombie blog or a zombie rant, this is about moving to Norway. Just don’t be complacent! There. That’s my last word on zombies.
In positive moving news I’ve signed up for Job Seekers allowance so that I can claim it when Io arrive there to tide me over. Perhaps there’ll be some political debate about benefits in the comments section? Nope.
I’ve also booked the van for our 24 hours road trip to Oslo (and back again) next weekend. We're following the route Clarkson took in one of those Top Gear challenges.
I’ll be tweeting live from the road trip as I cross through seven different countries and will attempt to post one of each of the following from each country:
• Us eating a local snack or delicacy
• A regional manhole cover (see www.manholecoversoftheworld.blogspot.com for those)
• A picture of us looking tired
• A picture of us trying not to kill each other
Follow the journey on twitter @Open_Book
PS. Still open to couriering something back to the UK for anyone in Norway with transport issues.

I'm moving to Norway! (again)

2010-05-20T17:28:00.001+01:00

My wife and I are moving to Oslo, possibly FOREVER, but certainly for the next seven months, it's all sort of dependent on various things.

Number one amongst those things and foremost in my mind, is that I need a job. My wife has one, it's why we're moving, and it's a good job, so that's fine. No really it is fine. But I'm walking away from three years and a possibly glorious and underpaid future in the world of book publishing and publicity in the UK. What am I going to do in Norway?

I do speak Norwegian, and we have lived in Norway before, and my wife is Norwegian, and we do have friends there, and we have recently found an apartment. So actually you might be thinking to yourself, why doesn't this guy shut up? But I was already thinking that about you before read this part. I pre-empted you and there's nothing you can do about it now.

Things that I might do in Norway range from the unambitious: work in a fish gutting factory to the overambitious: get a job on Norwegian Radio. In between are some more realistic ideas that I will let you know if I pull off as and when they occur.

When you tell people you're leaving London almost everybody says, “I was thinking about doing the same but I'm not brave enough/ I don't know where I'd go/I can't imagine how I'd do it”. Which suggests that most Londoners grip on London is remarkably tenuous. The answer to all questions about how you come up with the courage, tenacity and vision to move to another country is that you don't,your wife does. All you have to do is dolefully agree and then scuff your feet and huff and sigh quite a bit about how hard it is for you. Not just anyone can do it.

Things I will miss about London:

Friends
Cycling to work along the Regents Canal
London Fields park
Free museums

There are already two things that I'm looking forward to. Cycling around a new city is one, the other is that I've joined a Rugby team already. Wierdly the rugby team have asked me to send them a picture of myself in a state of undress so they can assess me. I can't work out if this is for personnal or proffessional reasons. Despite having played rugby myself for some years (I played under current England Captain Stephen Borthwick at college) their request isn't doing anything for the common misconception that Rugby, a bit like Ultimate Fighting, is full of people that need to stop surpressing their homosexuality.

Things I'm not looking forward to about Norway:

It's pretty small
Everyone will be better looking than I am (I keep mistaking Norwegian female twitter followers for spambots)
A half pint costs £5

To those of you reading this as friends, I doubt there'll be an awful lot of surprise in this move. For those of you who know me through work or twitter this really won't change the way I know you very much at all. I'll still be on Twitter, email, and here.

Perhaps we might even get to know each other better! No . . . no that seems unlikely.

London bus campaign targets Cam/Clegg pact

2010-05-12T16:35:00.001+01:00

My next door neighbours drum and base all nighter

2010-05-01T07:24:00.001+01:00

This video taken at six thirty. I've got a drum and base song for you it goes like this: "du du der du der du du der du i hate you."

A two foot long Asparagus Spear

2010-04-29T23:11:00.001+01:00

As grown on my balcony in Hackney. Do I win a prize?

Why our designer hates me.

2010-03-25T15:19:00.001Z

This blue peter effort is what i call a brief!

Snowman at leisure

2010-01-06T16:48:00.001Z

That's not a snowman...

2010-01-06T16:41:00.001Z

Just to be clear i have been at work today. This is from Christmas.

My favourite bulldog clip

2009-12-08T16:11:00.001Z

Shattered dreams #tweetmas

2009-12-02T21:19:00.002Z

@misscellany breaks @benjohncocks glass at #tweetmas

My favourite hole punch

2009-11-27T13:48:00.001Z

Our digital teams update newsletter

2009-11-27T12:35:00.001Z

Not normally something to inspire you to read on but here is this weeks digital team's newsletter from our business:

Due to an event that defies description, this month’s DIG update has been switched with a DIG team from a parallel universe. Sadly there is no time to correct the problem so we’re just going to have to run with this one.

The DIG (Danger Intervention Group) has been busy this month. Many situations have been intervened in and danger avoided:

Jo De Lange: As many of you will be aware, the prophesy that speaks of “the leader of the group” is coming to pass as Jo prepares for her Transition at the end of January. The physical changes needed to perform the Transition have begun which will explain any protuberances you might notice. Please don’t mention them. This month Jo has been instrumental in helping to intervene in some very dangerous situations indeed. Her assistance with the metaphysical cushions is most noteworthy.

Pete Blunt: The enhancements fitted at the beginning of last month have now swollen to their full size and Pete is now able to perform at higher altitudes and with more vigour than ever before. Land based activity is now almost completely non-existent and Pete can be seen most mornings gliding just above the second levels.

James Ball: The excursion to the inner rings of the outer rim have proved fruitful for Commander Ball who can report some success dealing with the multi limbed horn beasts of Hrangling Point. We all know the issues caused by these beings so any improvements to our relationship with them should help us avoid incidents in the future.

Nicholas Greenfield: Our time travelling friend has intervened in many dangerous situations and has managed to un-cause accidents that would have happened next month. In doing so he has saved the lives of some 37,000 Fellows. This brings Nicks tally up to almost a million Fellows this year alone.

Denise Rattray: Skills learned during her time in the legal time have been bought to bare in recent interventions with wandering gangs of scavenging monkeys. As you know, scavenging monkeys have been on the rise in the last 6 months and pose a particularly dangerous threat to commuters and other sub-intellect travellers. Denise’s work has managed to smooth the underways and cleanse some of the denser Paths.

Steve MacManus: Being turned into a glass of water last month has not deterred Steve in pursuing his intervention action points. Although his work is now slightly hampered by his new form, Steve has managed to intervene in several situations by spilling himself into the path of a rampaging Thnad (the beast then slipped and broke its neck) and allowed himself to be drunk by a thirsty tramp (on the brink of death by dehydration). We’re not sure on the whereabouts of Steve at present but suspect he is now waiting to pass through the tramp and make his way back to the office water cooler.

Richard Starr: managed to avoid a paper cut from a particularly vicious piece of A4.

Hunger first pics

2009-11-16T15:32:00.001Z

#danwho?

2009-09-13T15:22:00.001+01:00

#danwho?

2009-09-11T09:43:00.001+01:00

Crashed out- in a good way.

2009-09-08T18:44:00.001+01:00

My rainbow

2009-08-28T18:41:00.001+01:00

New mouse ears

2009-08-21T08:27:00.001+01:00

Paul howard at edinburgh

2009-08-21T08:18:00.001+01:00

Lydia monks at edinburgh

2009-08-20T10:46:00.001+01:00

East side

2009-08-14T12:53:00.001+01:00

No doubt

East side

2009-08-14T12:52:00.001+01:00

Society of Young Publishers: Generation YA: Publishing Teen Fiction notes

2009-07-30T11:16:00.002+01:00

Society of Young Publishers:

Generation YA: Publishing Teen Fiction

“How is the publishing industry responding to the growing demand for young adult fiction? What exactly constitutes a ‘teenage’ novel, and how do you go about writing and publishing in to this sector successfully?”

Here's the link to the event on their website: www.thesyp.org.uk/eventinfo.php?id=281
I think they were taking notes as well. Probably better than I was.

My notes on the event follow. They’re paraphrased so apologies for any inaccuracies. I’ve tried to make my own opinions clear where I’ve expressed them.

The panel begins with David Floyd speaking; he’s a social worker that helps young people in Hackney produce a magazine for people in the borough.

I like him already, because I’m from Hackney. They begin by admitting that they don’t know anything about children’s book publishing – good start!

David Floyd:

Council funded youth magazines are a real growth industry across the UK. Local authorities are keen to support initiatives that give young people a voice.

Young people are empowered through the process of creating the content, designing/producing the magazine and then there is the wider benefit of the magazine being read widely in the local area – so there are benefits to young people at every stage.

The young people involved with the project get extra benefits some of which are practical, media training, IT skills and some of which are more general, working to deadlines, creative writing and so on.

Councils can use the magazine both as part of their CSR schemes, but also to engage with young people about information that they might otherwise ignore.

One of the most popular sections of the magazine is “Agony” their name for the problem page. Teenagers aren’t interested in getting or giving advice however, they just want to laugh at other peoples misfortune. Therefore the more cruel and dismissive advice to the more extreme problem or condition, the better.

The views of teenagers are changeable and seemingly insurmountable conflicts can be over the next day. The example given is of a girl who wrote in to the problem page about being bullied. She wrote in on a regular basis and as the bullying got worse, she stopped going to school. The magazine continued to publish her letters and ended up running a supplement on bullying. This gave the victim the confidence to resolve the situation herself. The next day the girl and the bully had made up and became friends again. Even though the conflict had been serious, it was soon forgotten.

The magazines avoid preaching at all costs. Everybody talks to teenagers, but no one listens. If you do listen to teenagers they begin by talking about celebrities, fashion and football, but if you give them time they’ll talk about self-harm or world peace, with just as much authority.

The magazine encourages young people to peal back this layer of received or inherited wisdom and write opinion pieces or information pieces. They need support to do this, but once achieved, their views can be incisive and strong.

Contrast magazine has been running for 5 years and is distributed to 5,000 children in schools and colleges.

Jill Hucklesby

Jill has just been signed up for Egmont! I only just find this out from an editor before I get there, but it’s nice to meet her. She’s talking about her two books Deeper than Blue and Last Kiss of the Butterfly (published by Orchard) and her intention to write deeper, darker things for Egmont. Jill’s great!

Jill:

Deeper than Blue began as a script for television that she converted to into a novel, partly as a way of protecting the idea.

It follows a successful swimmer who loses part of her leg in an accident and attempts to come to terms with her disability.

Her books have won awards, particularly, Jill says, awards that have been voted for by children. Looking at the crib sheet this includes the: 1066 School’s Book Award, the Bolton Children’s Book award and the Cumbrian spell binding award. It was also long listed for the Branford Bose award.

She talks about Last Kiss of the Butterfly, about a girl who, after caring for her mother, whose cancer is now in remission, resents having to spend a summer bonding with her, when she wants to get back to being a teenager.

The book contains life lessons through learning about nature. It’s not about morals, it’s about journeys.

Jill mentions Egmont about 5 times, she’s going to be a good author to work with!

Questions come from audience: Is there a point where you hold back from a topic or description, because it wouldn’t suit the market?

Jill: Not really, there’s no censorship.

Kate wants to step in with her views.

Kate O’Hearn:

I’m friends with Jill but we’re very different as authors. I write YA fantasy, and only that, I won’t do books with ponies or hamsters. Why? It gives her freedom, if she wants to give someone wings, she can.

She comments that editorial opinion on YA books can differ. One of her editors at H&S (the more junior) thinks that in Y.A. the rule is, you can kill, but don’t kiss. The more senior editor thinks even strong violence is a no no.

She also doesn’t swear but says this is self-censorship rather than being inflicted by the editors. She challenges that nobody really dies in Y.A. fantasy books but she’s quickly called on that by the audience who give examples of Phillip Reeve and the Harry Potter books. I know there’re lots of deaths in Egmont’s Gone and I can tell you that there’s plenty in Puffin’s The Enemy too.

Kate thinks that only in more literary fiction do characters get to stay dead, in fantasy they’re more often brought back to life later, or imprisoned and then released.

One of the pervasive themes of her books, even though they’re fantasy, is a strong familial unit.

Kate started as an adult thriller writer she penned an adult crime book beginning with a rape scene before she decided that her narrative voice was in fantasy books. She was working in H&S as she attempted to write the adult book, but was on the floor where children’s books were made. Being surrounded by the covers and being impressed by the content, she decided that children’s books were for her.

She says her writing didn’t change from adult to YA although obviously the content was different. Her techniques and writing style remain the same.

The moralising in Kate’s books are about feminism, and politics she bases all her books on a political issue that’s relevant at the time of writing, although again it’s “hidden” within her work. She says the things she writes about are a distillation of all the things that bother her. Her next idea is for an anti-whaling book disguised as a “kick-ass mermaid adventure”.

What makes adults read YA?

A good YA book has to tell the story in fewer words, 60 – 70,000 and so is often faster paced and more concise, easier to access and get into. Adults get a satisfaction from turning pages and finishing books and chapters just like the kids do. She gives Patterson’s Maximum Ride series as an example.

Joy’s turn.

Joy Court:

Joy begins by talking about the importance of the Carnegie and of librarians to enthusing teenagers about books. She laments the lack of review coverage given to teenage/cross over books in the national press.

The Carnegie award, she goes on, is the guardian of quality YA writing, books are nominated by librarians, not submitted by publishers. The main things they’re looking for in a winner are plot, characterisation and style that stays with you. They’re looking for books that survive being reread and reread. During the judging procedure books are read 4 times and you’d be surprised at how many seemingly good books fall apart on a third read.

Joy amends this by saying that, one of the limits of this process is that it doesn’t capture the initial thrill or rush that teenagers can experience from reading a book.

Joy recommends YA books to adults for another reason – you have to work hard to target that audience – they’re age specific, mobile and changeable. Books written for them tend to be targeted and focused. That can make for some really powerful writing.

She disagrees with Kate (or Kate’s editors) about appropriateness of content in YA books, she uses Junk as an example and says that, for her, swearing is the most recognisable clue as to whether or not the book is meant for teenagers. She thinks books can have drugs in and still be very moral. She thinks that experiencing drug abuse in a book can be a safe environment for YA readers to expose themselves to situations and experiences that would be very dangerous in the real world. It enables them to think about what their reaction, views or decisions might be without exposing them to immediate harm.

Joy says Y.A. books shouldn’t pull punches, if you want to swear, just swear.

Joy notes that there is a movement amongst publishers to release books with adult covers, and even adult logos on the spine, but if they’re from a children’s list within the publisher, then it’s a children’s book.

Joy says that she gets criticism from teenagers about the fact that kids aren’t involved in the Carnegie judging process – what do you know? you’re not a teenager? But she argues that kids will give an impact assessment, whereas they’re looking for a longer view.

Joy gives The Gathering Light as an example of the first crossover book because it won the Carnegie and was on the Richard and Judy shortlist at the same time. A good Y.A. book defies attempts to age-band it. None of the criteria for the Carnegie award are age-specific.

In an open discussion that follows the following points are made:

Jill – it’s good to tackle issues and she feels free to write anything for children. She intends to explore deeper and darker places now, and Egmont’s editors are encouraging this.

Kate – she’s realised that children are insightful, if you think you’ve hidden a moral in your story – they’re going to recognise it and have an opinion on it. It’s made her more careful about the kinds of morals she includes and the way she includes them. Perhaps because kids are impressionable and less resistant to suggested morals at this age, she feels more responsible about what she writes.

David – from the youth working magazine people, says that when kids write, it’s for fun. You don’t want children to explore these dark places, it’s not appropriate for to encourage them to do that. Instead kids should write their own opinions in a fun and free way and let adults write the dark things for them, giving them books that enable them to explore issues.

Is Y.A. a new phenomenon? ask the youth workers. Joy responds by saying that young people are lucky today with the range of ages and variety of books published for them. Books are there to help people grow emotionally and empathetically.

Joy finds connection with young people through the moderation of comments on the website for book awards, and she loves it. Kate has interaction with children in school groups and isn’t afraid to ask for, and listen to, their opinion editorially. Jill also talks about school events and responding to letters and fan mail – which is often thanking her for exploring or highlighting an issue.

I’m struck that, after hearing David talk about how kids don’t want to be moralised at, Jill (and later Kate), go on to talk about how their books contain lots of moralising and instruction but it’s either hidden (in Kate’s words) or shown in a non-confrontational way. This seems to be a key use of teenage literature.

The questions of how the publishing industry are responding to this growing demand wasn’t really answered, but then, as there were no publishers speaking, that’s not a huge shock I guess. The panel are much more successful at getting at what might constitute a teenage novel and certainly have some interesting points to make about how to write for it.

I had a great time, but there was a lot of coughing and sneezing going on so my swine flu radar was on alert. It would have been great to hear a publisher speak about their views, but still got plenty out of it.

As always when the SYP and authors get together there were a number of off-topic questions about how to get agents, how to get published etc. but then I suppose that’s to be expected.

Buck Up!

2009-06-10T10:35:00.001+01:00

Good old David Eggers is giving people in publishing a message telling them to 'buck up' if you email him here, maybe he'll tell you to buck up too: deggers@826national.org

Here's Dave's message to buck up:

Dear Person Needing Bucking Up,

Hello and thank you so much for writing. I feel honored that you would take
the time to reach out and in many cases tell me your very real struggles
with writing and work and the future of the printed word.

I have a few thoughts to share, though unfortunately in this space I can?t
detail all the reasons I think we have a fighting chance at keeping
newspapers and books alive in physical form. But before I do blather for a
few paragraphs, I should apologize for sending you a mass email.

As you probably know, in May I gave a speech to about 100 people in New
York, and I didn?t foresee it getting out there on the web. (Shows how much
I know.) And I really didn?t expect this email address to be given out.
Again, though, that was my lack of foresight. And I?m an infrequent emailer,
so I?m unable to respond to most of the (plaintive, beautiful,
heart-ripping) emails that have been sent to me these past few days. So I
apologize for not being able to answer your email personally. Or at least
not in any timely manner.

Anyway. I would like to say to you good print-loving people that for every
dire bit of news there is out there, there is also some good news, too. The
main gist of my (rambling) speech at the Author?s Guild was that because I
work with kids in San Francisco, I see every day that their enthusiasm for
the printed word is no different from that of kids from any other era.
Reports that no one reads anymore, especially young people, are greatly
overstated and almost always factually lacking. I?ve written about youth
readership elsewhere, but to reiterate: sales of young adult books are
actually up. Total volume of all book sales is actually up. Kids get the
same things out of books that they have before. Reading in elementary
schools and middle schools is no different than any other time. We have work
to do with keeping high schoolers reading, but then again, I meet every week
with 15 high schoolers in San Francisco, and all we do is read (literary
magazines, books, journals, websites, everything) in the process of putting
together the Best American Nonrequired Reading. And I have to say these
students, 14 to 18 years old, are far better read and more astute than I was
at their age, and there are a million other kids around the country just
like them.

These kids meet every week at McSweeney?s, and things at our small
publishing company are stable. We?re a hand-to-mouth operation to be sure,
but we haven?t had to lay anyone off. To some extent, that?s because we?re
small and independent and have always insisted on staying small and
independent. We take on very little risk, and we grow very cautiously. It?s
our humble opinion that the world will support many more publishers of our
size and focus. If you can stay small, stay independent, readers will be
loyal, and you?ll be able to get by publishing work of merit. Publishing
has, for most of its life, been a place of small but somewhat profit
margins, and the people involved in publishing were happy to be doing what
they loved. It?s only recently, when large conglomerates bought so many
publishing companies and newspapers, that demands for certain margins
squeezed some of the joy out of the business.

Pretty soon, on the McSweeney?s website ? www.mcsweeneys.net ? we?ll be
showing some of our work on this upcoming issue, which will be in newspaper
form. The hope is that we can demonstrate that if you rework the newspaper
model a bit, it can not only survive, but actually thrive. We?re convinced
that the best way to ensure the future of journalism is to create a workable
model where journalists are paid well for reporting here and abroad. And
that starts with paying for the physical paper. And paying for the physical
paper begins with creating a physical object that doesn?t retreat, but
instead luxuriates in the beauties of print. We believe that if you use the
hell out of the medium, if you give investigative journalism space, if you
give photojournalists space, if you give graphic artists and cartoonists
space ? if you really truly give readers an experience that can?t be
duplicated on the web ? then they will spend $1 for a copy. And that $1 per
copy, plus the revenue from some (but not all that many) ads, will keep the
enterprise afloat.

As long as newspapers offer less each day ? less news, less great writing,
less graphic innovation, fewer photos ? then they?re giving readers few
reasons to pay for the paper itself. With our prototype, we aim to make the
physical object so beautiful and luxurious that it will seem a bargain at
$1. The web obviously presents all kinds of advantages for breaking news,
but the printed newspaper does and will always have a slew of advantages,
too. It?s our admittedly unorthodox opinion that the two can coexist, and in
fact should coexist. But they need to do different things. To survive, the
newspaper, and the physical book, needs to set itself apart from the web.
Physical forms of the written word need to offer a clear and different
experience. And if they do, we believe, they will survive. Again, this is a
time to roar back and assert and celebrate the beauty of the printed page.
Give people something to fight for, and they will fight for it. Give
something to pay for, and they?ll pay for it.

We?ll keep you posted throughout the summer about our progress with this
newspaper prototype, and any other good news we come across.

Thanks for listening for now,
Dave

P.S. The email address you wrote to ? deggers@826national.org ? was a new
one I set up to give to the attendees of the Author?s Guild. I won?t be able
to check it very often, as I?m slow with email to begin with.

Quoting Alistair Spalding :

>
> Hi Dave,
>
> I work in children's book publishing and I'm really worried that
> e-books are going to really ruin our industry.
>
>
> It all just makes me so depressed. I really feel like I need someone
> to buck me up.
>
> I hope you can help.
>
> Morosely,
>
> Alistair Spalding
>

Excellent scam email

2009-05-22T12:40:00.001+01:00

What a story. I wish they were all as entertaining as this.

from Vicky

My Dear

Please let this letter not to bring confusion to you. I know that we have not met either before but hear me from the dept of your mind. It is circumstances that made to send this to you.

I will introduce myself first to you, My name is Victoria Abushi, I lost my mother, my hero and my lord Ms Abu a year ago. She was poisioned to death by her associate in business. She formed a company by one Mr. Philip Brown who poisioned her only to take benefit of the multi million venture. He was arrested immedaitely my mother died and he entered an agreement with my mother;s brothers that I and the immedaite younger brother of my mother will represent my mother;s interest in the company. After six months I was kicked out of the company because I said that we have to change the company;s lawyer who I termed was part of the elimination of my mother. I did not know that they have changed all the company39;s document without my name appearing any where. I will have to let you know more detail on that but let me move to the point why I am contacting you.

I have been nick named bastard by my mother;s relations, They have named me all source of names even calling me outcast because my mother is late, while my mother was the bread winner of the family. They have pushed me out of my mother;s mansion and still want to eliminate my life.

I got through the records of my mother account books three weeks ago while crying and meditating, which I beleive was inspired by the spirit of God, I discovered that there is a huge sum of money she deposited in a bank, which is $9,800,000. The note attached to the deposit agreement she made with the bank indicated that, the money was to be used to purchase machinery for the establishment of a new company of her own.

Please all I need from you is to do all you can to help me to get this money out of the bank. I have been to the bank where this money is deposited immediately, and confirmed the account most deligently. The bank told me that my mother informed them that the money was to be remitted to her company39;s costumer account abroad, which her costumer will provide to them but since then they have never heard from her nor the costumer. Now my mother is late. I don39;t want the bank to know that my mother is late. I told them that she is ill and appointed me to represent her in her affairs.

(1).I want you to provide an account where the money will be remitted into as my mother39;s costumer. (2).Make arrangement for me to leave here as soon as possible (3).How much commission you will take for rendering the assistant?

My mother did not marry to any man, She had me as the only child while she was having an affair with the person that supposed to be my father when she was 18 years and the man abandoned her and disappeared which forced her to remain single. Now I am 20 years and never saw my father for a day. I have no home now and my life is in danger. I don’t have any one to run into. All the members of my mother family have turned their back on me because I demand for me right. They told me that I don;t belong to the family. That I should go and look for my father, Whom I don39;t know. I have made trace to know my father without success. I want you to hear me from the inner most of your heart and accord me this help.

God will bless you for saving my life and future.

What About the Girls?

2009-05-11T17:51:00.003+01:00

What About the Girls?

Are we meeting the reading needs of girls aged 8 to 12?

Publishing Associations Children's Bookselling Group seminar

11th May 2009 2:30pm

[The following is paraphrased from the sparse notes, I took whilst people were talking and may contain as much of my opinion on what was said as what was actually said. Apologies for any inaccuracies]

Chairman: Wendy Cooling

Panel: Adele Geras, Sally Gardner, Julia Golding

After a bit of an introduction where we all acknowledge that panel have written too many good books to go through them all in detail Adele kicks off the debate.

[The group quickly fell into the generalisation “pink” book for anything that targets girls specifically eg: Rainbow Magic and “blue” book to describe anything that targets boys.]

Adele:

The quality of product is there. There are a range of books for girls ranging from the pink and fluffy to the meaty and sensitive.

This is met with broad agreement from the assembled booksellers.

Boys won’t choose to pick up “girl” targeted books, but girls are quite happy to pick up books that are clearly aimed at boys.

Teachers are more likely, when selecting a book to read for the class, to pick something that favours the harder to reach boy readers. At best they might select something gender neutral, but very unlikely to pick something with a strong female protagonist or storyline.

How do we get parents to buy more books for female readers?

We need to get readers enthused from a lot earlier than 8 years old. In fact this process needs to have been begun from more like 3 years old to instil a love of reading.

All agree that as long as a young girl reader has a pile of books by her bed, no matter what books they are, that is a success.

Parents should have the confidence/responsibility to increase their children to more complicated books. Parents should encourage children passed 342 pink book to stand alone novels with more complex/realistic characters.

Sally:

The power of storytelling is paramount. The strength of the story should be the first decision making factor and any notions of gender secondary.
In fact publishers, parents and teachers (but mainly publishers) are reinforcing this trend by making it less and less likely for a boy to pick up a very pink girls book and more and more common for female characters in boys books to be marginalised and “girly”.

Julia:

Repeats the idea that Girls read across the gender boundary more easily and that girls are not well represented in the majority of fiction.

Hermione Granger in Harry Potter is the pain in the backside character in Harry Potter while Harry and Ron have all the adventures. Would it have been the same success if it was Harriet Potter?

Thinks that readers need to be encouraged by readers closer to their own age. The idea of bringing in cool older reading role models from secondary school of college to talk about books and show how they have progressed from eg: Jaqueline Wilson to something more complex.

Debate:

When the question is thrown open to the audience the discussion is varied because a clear issue has not been identified. All agree that if readers want to read more complicated books, the books are there for them to get into.

There is agreement that the trend of boxing female characters and books up into obvious stereotypes is a negative one, but also perhaps a necessary one to enable parents to identify relevant titles from clear indicators on the cover.

Also agreement that some authors such as Cathy Cassidy would be suitable for boy readers if they weren’t so clearly packaged for girls. However as many people thought that part of their success was to pick a clear audience to target with the covers and there were other people who could mention examples of gender neutral covers (Michael Morpurgo given as example)

Lots of anecdotes about specific examples where the overt genderising of book covers has been a negative and limiting factor for readers but no consensus that these specific cases should be extrapolated into a wider rule.

Also acknowledged was the idea that the recent push to get boys to read has left girl books conforming to very similar formulas but still no clear conviction that this has somehow damaged girls reading experiences.

Interesting point made that actually it is below the 8-12 age group where gender stereotyping is even more extreme and harder to get away from. While lots of examples were found of books that were non-gender specific or contained strong female role models in the 8-12 group, very few were identified in the 5-8 range.
Recognition that a vast majority of parents were uncertain of what to choose for their children. I drew the personal conclusion that cover stereotyping and age banding helps these parents to make quick choices (but didn’t voice it).

In Conclusion:

No clear problem identified and so it was difficult for the group to answer one. It was quickly established that there were a range of product available to meet the reading needs of those that wanted to read widely. Likewise it was established that “pink” books were not in any way “bad” books. That left the group in a more general quandary about the complex issue of stereotyping of authors and characters and the very general issue of encouraging all children to read more from an earlier age.

Recipe for Honeycomb

2009-03-12T15:14:00.000Z

INGREDIENTS

100g caster sugar
4 x 15ml tablespoons golden syrup
11/2 teaspoons bicarbonate of soda

1. Put the sugar and syrup into a saucepan and stir together to mix. You mustn’t stir once the pan’s on the heat, though.
2. Place the pan on the heat and let the mixture first melt, then turn to goo and then to a bubbling mass the colour of maple syrup – this will take 3 minutes or so.
3. Off the heat, whisk in the bicarbonate of soda and watch the syrup turn into a whooshing cloud of aerated pale gold. Turn this immediately onto a piece of reusable baking parchment or greased foil.
4. Leave until set and then bash at it, so that it splinters into many glinting pieces.

Don’t worry about spreading it over the baking paper, just tip it on and it will start to set immediately. Let it cool for a least a couple of hours though otherwise it goes sticky not crunchy! And def use caster sugar, I tried golden sugar and it went really strange.

Stolen Bike- response from Kath Kelly

2007-07-04T09:58:00.001+01:00

Thanks to Kath Kelly- regular reader, who sent me this extract from a book she's working on about living on £1 a day in Bristol. It's a sad bike story, but with a happy ending:

The cable lay like a dead snake, chopped in half. It was still twisted, as if it had put up a fight in its death throes, but its mortal blow had come from something very strong and sharp. I picked it up and saw the fibres neatly severed under the rubber exterior, the lock untouched. No sign of its best friend the D-lock. or their inseparable companion, my mountain bike.

What crime of passion had occurred out here while I was pottering innocently in the library? The love triangle between my three possessions had been violently broken. The snake's hold had been strong, but ultimately not strong enough. Were the D-lock and bike still locked close together, hitching a ride on some mysterious journey in the back of a van, or had they too split up? Perhaps even now someone else was having a free ride on that feckless bike.

I turned up my collar and set off on foot to work. What a pain. Bikes got stolen every day in Bristol of course, but outside the library, in broad daylight with two locks attached, I thought it would be safe. Up the hill, through the university, marching so as not to be too late, the implications began to set in. No bike to go to Bath at the weekend, no way of carrying heavy stuff back from the cheaper supermarkets on the edge of town, no safe and swift way home late at night when drunks prowled the streets looking for trouble.

I couldn't get taxis instead, or buses, or another bike, on a pound a day. Belatedly I felt anger against whoever it was who had ruined my day, if not the rest of the year. I was only a few weeks into my spending challenge and stuffed already! I undid my coat and stomped hot and bothered into work to report the theft to the police.

A couple of weeks later someone from the police station phoned me, just to let me know they hadn't found my bike. Nice of them to bother I suppose. By then I my friend Heather had lent me a very expensive replacement, which I didn't dare let out of my sight. It was festooned with a length of chain and a very chunky padlock, as well as the locks it came with, and watched through shop windows as anxiously as a mother checks her baby sleeping in its stroller. Still, it was great to be able to get around as before, though I sometimes left it at home at night to keep it safe, and took my chances out there with the drunks.

One of those nights, I was padding through Clifton after a night out at a friend's place. I still caught myself clocking bikes being ridden by or chained to racks, just hoping that one day I'd spot my own sadly missed steed. It wasn't expensive or anything- £60 in Halford's sale- but it was mine to trash or get nicked as I pleased.

I was taking a short cut down a leafy footpath. Not an ideal safety measure but I hadn't been home since morning and I was shattered. The street lamp halfway down had been smashed again too. Sugary crystals of glass crunched underfoot and I hoped there was no dog mess to tread in.

Against the railing leaned a bike. Silvery, like mine had been, with front suspension. Surely it wasn't... No, as I looked closer I saw it was a different, superior make. But what a stupid place to lock it up at night!

With a jolt of surprise I saw it wasn't locked at all. Two flat tyres, but nothing else seemed wrong with it. They'll be lucky if it's still there tomorrow, I thought, turning for home.

But it was there that morning, and in the evening too. I knocked on the door of the house it was nearest to, and asked if anyone knew whose it was. "They're always dumping stuff down there," said the woman of the house. "Probably stolen."

So the next day I dragged it into town, to the central police station, which had inexplicably closed down. Great. On then to the even more distant new police station, where I spent a tedious hour queueing, explaining myself and form-filling. "...And if no-one claims it within six weeks, you can claim it if you want," the desk officer added as she ripped apart the triplicate carbon copies.

"If I want! Of course I do!" I put a capitalised entry into my diary and hurried off on the long walk back to work.

So there was a happy ending after all; the bike duly became mine, a nice bloke I know helped me fix it, my friend got her un-stolen expensive bike back and I got a better mode of transport than I started with. But as for my old bike and the D-lock, they were never seen again. I hope you're happy together, wherever you are. And as for the cable, it's still really cut up.

(all material copyright Kath Kelly 2007)

Carsten is way ahead of me

2007-06-28T09:58:00.001+01:00

I had wondered why the museum, or Carsten himself hadn't come back to me yet over my concerns that his new Art project wasn't going to work as expected. The reason is- Carsten has done his research!

Despite me feeling all smug that I was about to ruin one of the world most prominent aritsts with my clever scientific pooh-poohing of his work- he already knows what I've been trying to tell him! The following is cribbed from the press release:

The eight-day experiment involves volunteers wearing the vision-inverting goggles and living together at a central location in Manchester, following a schedule they will record in a film of their experiences. Activities and entertainment will also be scheduled with the goggle-wearing volunteers finding their vision returning to normal as their brains correct the inversion.
It is expected that they will remove the goggles on stage – where their view will again be upside down, as their brains will have adjusted their vision to view the world the right way round while wearing the goggles. Vision is expected to return to normal, though, after a short period of time.

I suppose I should be pleased, pleased that he did his research, and pleased that the experiment will all work out as planned. Also I should be pleased that I can still remeber the GCSE physics I did so long ago (which is how this whole thing started.)

...but I'm not. I'm really disappointed I didn't get to outsmart an artist.

A number of investigations

2007-06-27T09:43:00.000+01:00

Hi everyone,

Last email I invited people to unsubscribe. I know I may not technically be a mailing list, and I didn’t have to ask, but I did, out of the goodness of my heart. But someone abused that goodness, someone abused my trust. They unsubscribed. That person is no longer with us. Be warned.

Not really. Well someone did really unsubscribe, but I won’t really
disappear any of you, except in the sense that you won’t appear on my email address list anymore if you don‘t want to, despite the internets best attempts, loosing an online identity still doesn’t result in immediate and painful death in the “real world”.

Anyway. I hope I’ve learnt my lesson. I thought I could get away with the last email which even admitted in it’s own title “Short and Sweet” that it was a little light on the literary or content merit and devoid of particular interest. I thought that in an age of Big Brother and mobile phones and blog sites that people resolutely refuse to read on a regular basis, that I could subsist on such drivel for a few weeks.

The shame of my poor judgement- I beg your forgiveness please. No more unsubscribers OK?

And will move swiftly on to more interesting pastures,

I had my precious bike stolen! I’d been paying off a quite smart Specialized Rockhopper (A type of bike) through a friend when it was mercilessly snatched away. I was at a publisher function in a park, and double locked my bike to a bike lock place. I was never more than 10 metres away but the thieving blighters still had away with it. Not all of it mind. I still have a front tyre, and the Halfords shackle lock I was using to secure it. The frame and back tyre, including the more expensive Specialized lock, were lifted.

Gutted. Anyone who knows me knows I was very excited when talking about, thinking of, and riding my bike (in fact my girlfriend remains a prime suspect in it’s disappearance). I was really fed up to loose it, especially because I’m still paying for it throughout July.

Anyway, not to be put down I bought a pair of jogging trainers and ran to work for a week. This 7 mile round trip was made possible through sheer bloody mindedness rather than any particular sporting prowess. I simply refuse to give in to paying bus fairs, whilst at the same time I’m too intrinsically decent to sneak on the buses without paying. That leaves me with a pair of tight running shorts, a bottle of Talcum Powder (don’t ask what it’s for…)and a pair of trainers.

Camilla thinks this is weird but I've logged my run on a website, which you can access through the links on my blog (www.therealword.blogspot.com) I just wanted to make the blog as interactive and entertaining as possible (in case anybody ever visits or reads it). Of course if you live nearby you are welcome to use the route yourself, although you will see that the traffic is high, the air pollution is bad and the scenery non- existant. It's not much of a run.

So apart from becoming as obssessed with jogging at least as qucikly as I became obsessed with cycling, the other thing I've been doing is some research into two fields: Art and Science. I read an article in the Metro that Carsten Holler (he's the artist that put slides in the Tate Modern) was doing an experiment where he gives people glasses to turn their vision upside down for 8 days). But I didn't think it would work, and got some scientists to deal with my questions online. Once a broad spectrum of scientists had responded I took my research and sent it to the Manchester Mueseum that are hosting the exhibtion, and it's PR company. No response just yet, but to learn more about this fascinating subject you should check out the recent posts on the www.therealword.blogspot.com (anyone spot a trend occuring here?)

One last thing I mentioned a while ago about a crazy landlord in Lewisham, and how he got drunk and left notes around for us... and then I met a publisher whose friend was writing a book on the subject of crazy notes left by flatmates. Well. I didn't make this version of her book (although if it sells well I might make the sequel) but I am going to be on her website when it works properly (which is in about a week). If you've had any odd note experiences from flatmates you should put them on here: www.flatmatesanonymous.com (also available as link on www.therealword.blogspot.com).
Anyway. Hope that was OK for all of you- a good one no? Certainly not worth unsubscribing over.

Vision Inversion- an update

2007-06-19T11:32:00.000+01:00

The good old professors at Null Hypothesis have had some responses to my question about Carsten Hollers vision inversion question (see post below). The results are inconclusive at the momment, but I felt it was my duty to make sure Carsten, the museum, and anybody else with an email address I could find was aware of the findings so far.

So I sent the following to the museum, and its PR agency:

Hi there,
I read about Carstens new experiment in the London Metro a while ago- but I was worried that it wouldn't go according to plan so I've been doing some research on wether or not vision inversion is even possible- the museum (and Carsten) might find the following interesting:
http://www.null-hypothesis.co.uk/science/interactive
/item/dear_Prof_prisms_vision_inverted
I'd be really pleased to hear how it goes- the science community is watching!
Thanks for reading,
Alistair Spalding

PS. Sorry- I've had to split the link to keep my page neatly formatted- you need to copy the whole thing into your web browser to see the page.

But Null Hypothesis come through!

2007-06-13T18:59:00.000+01:00

Check the link:

I'm on their letters page and everything! Fame- Glory- an answer to my question! All are mine!

Dear Alistair,

Perhaps the Null community can help. I hope you won't mind me publishing your thoughts... http://www.null-hypothesis.co.uk/science
/interactive/item/dear_Prof_prisms_vision_inverted

Dear Prof: Your Letters

Dear Prof,
I see that conceptual artist Carsten Holler (the man who put slides in the Tate) has a new project on. 24 volunteers will be given goggles that invert their vision to wear for eight days. The idea is that they'll see the world upside down.At the end of the time they will take their goggles off in front of an audience at the Manchester International Arts Festival in July. I got this from the London Metro, which says "Their sight is expected to return to normal shortly after."I seem to remember from GSCE physics that if you hold prisms in front of your eyes (inverting your vision) that within a matter of hours the brain will compensate and flip your vision the right way up.If that's true then within a few hours of putting the goggles on the volunteers will actually begin to experience normal vision again. Then on the eighth day, when they take them off they will see things upside down again for a few hours before, once again, the brain compensates and turns it back to normal.Is this true? And if it is doesn't that kind of ruin his experiment? He should have the people at the show in Manchester put goggles on until their brain flips things the rightway up and then have them take them off again, putting things upside down (for a while).It's making my head spin, please help!Alistair Spalding, The Real WordCan you help Alistair?If you think you may have an answer for Alistair, please email letters@null-hypothesis.co.uk The Prof is currently huddled in a corner, quivering at the very thought GCSE physics.You can also get talking to the Null community by joining our Unlikely Science group on Facebook.

No Response from the Guardian

2007-06-13T18:58:00.000+01:00

badscience@guardian.co.uk

Hi Ben,

I see that conceptual artist Carsten Holler (the man who put slides in the Tate) has a new project on. 24 volunteers will be given goggles that invert their vision to wear for eight days. The idea is that they'll see the world upside down.At the end of the time they will take their goggles off in front of an audience at the Manchester International Arts Festival in July. I got this from the London Metro, which says "Their sight is expected to return to normal shortly after."I seem to remember from GSCE physics that if you hold prisms in front of your eyes (inverting your vision) that within a matter of hours the brain will compensate and flip your vision the right way up.If that's true then within a few hours of putting the goggles on the volunteers will actually begin to experience normal vision again. Then on the eighth day, when they take them off they will see things upside down again for a few hours before, once again, the brain compensates and turns it back to normal.Is this true? and if it is doesn't that kind of ruin his experiment? He should have the people at the show in Manchester put goggles on until their brain flips things the rightway up and then have them take them off again, putting things upside down (for a while).It's making my head spin, please help!

Labels: Art, blog, blogging; ads; brands; science, Carsten Holler, complaint

Short and Sweet

2007-05-31T22:57:00.000+01:00

Despite Facebooks best attempts to put us "real" writers out of work by unifying online communication and reducing it to poking people and sending love hearts (much like the real world but easier and faster) I'm still here.
I'm also still here despite nearly dying in Exmour on the bank holiday weekend. It was a very cold and wet weekend so we stacked the fire with all the wood we had, which was wet. Then, because the wood was wet it smoked loads. So we got so much smoke in our faces we had to run out into the cold and rain for huge mouthfulls of fresh air, which then got me so cold I had to run back to the smoke filled fire.
Also happening is... not much. No wait!
No.
Yes- we're definately going back to Jerusalem to do some volunteering in July and August. We're looking foraward to it, especially to making ourselves useful in a pretty difficult place.
I've been listening to Brazillian band C.S.S. (who recently played at the now famous Radio 1's Big Weekend in the now equally famous PRESTON) they are so super cool and so super fun they make fun music. I recommend them. Any Brazillian band that gets to the dizzying heights of playing Preston must be worth a listen!
I'm still not writing, these emails and the many blogs is about it. Still- I don't hear any of you complaining!
Alistair out
You read it! You can't UNread it!http://www.therealword.blogspot.com
www.adblogging.blogspot.com

Al's Latest news and self promotion

2007-04-15T13:06:00.000+01:00

Hi All,
First of all I've tried to update and refresh this mailing list. If you find yourself surprised to be on it, or are thoruoughly bored of getting emails from me, please reply and let me know, I will unsubscribe you!
It's been an awfully long time since I sat down to do one. I still blame this on the phenomenon of "London Time" ie. There not being enough of it.
Anyway, it's the weekend and Camilla and myself are able to enjoy the amazing London April weather on our roof terrace, we'll barbeque this evening and yesterday we played rounders with friends on Hampstead Heath yesterday, not a bad life.
Things at work have been extremely busy, we appointed a new PR agency, had all the publishers present their titles to us for the next 6 months (and therefore a lot of new events to plan!). It's very busy in a good way.
For two days last week we had no emails, they went down completely and I suddenly remebered what the phone was for, I started speaking to people, instead of emailling them- I got lots done so maybe there's something to be said for those "no email days" after all. Then again, I also had to use my own hotmail account to get some essential work done so maybe those "no email days" are completely impossible.
Last weekend my brother was here and we did some fun things. I loved the movie 300 at the cinema, I lost around £4.20 at Walthamstow Dogs, which I highly recommend- not losing money, but the Dogs- and we went to Brighton. It was a good Easter. Next weekend we visit Preston for my Dads birthday my plan is to convince Camilla that England can compare to Norway for scenic beauty, if you assume that, England comprises only of the Lake District.
Much as my torrent of commentary in emails has dried up, so has my writing. Depressingly I haven't made much progress with "Ascension" the prequel to my book "Rooftops" (and when I say "book" I mean "unpublished manuscript"). I have about 10 chapters and no direction so I'm looking for some inspiration and time to devote to it. The orginial story is still winning supporters, our Children's book buyer liked the book so much she wants to send it to the kids editor at Random House, this is indeed a glowing recomendation and may represent the best chance yet of getting to work with an editor and seeing something go into print. The only problem is that the buyer went on holiday recently and I don'rt know if she's sent it yet, or means to send it, so I'm on tenterhooks.
You'll see in my "signature" below, which, for those of you who ever wondered, is a corruption of a great line from the cartoon show Futurama, that I've added a new web address- www.adblogging.blogspot.com which is a new iniative- I know that this seems ill advised, especially seen as how I've already been moaning about not having time to write. This new blog isn't really about writing, it's more about ranting, something I'm infintely more capabale of and it represents a series of thoughts, letters, and information on adverts and branding. Have a look, or don't bother. It seems that everyone is getting into "blogging" at the moment, but if that's true then how come nobody looks at my pages? Everyones happy enough to self perpetuate Facebook with friend requests around every two minutes but no one wil post a single comment on my dedicated writings. Indicitive possibly, of a conversation I had with someone recently that the "blogshpere is a total illusion and no one really uses it. Well, no one appart from me obviously.
To create and maintain a consistent and well viewed blog takes literally hours of clicking, and researching on various pages of the interweb which, in my mind restricts the most prolific users to the terminally unemployed or the happlessly single. Thankfully I'm neither- but I'm doing my best OK?!
One more development on the writing front I may, or may not, have some work in a new book coming out with Littlebrown publishers called "Where's the Kitchen" http://www.amazon.co.uk/Anyone-Seen-Kitchen-Oonagh-OHagan/dp/1847441289 which came about after a conversation I had with a publicist who knows the author at World Book Day. I'll let you know if I end up in it. For those of you who have been recieving these for the duration you may remeber the joyous time I spent in a very odd flat in Lewisham, South London, when I first moved here. "Where's the Kitchen" talks about similarly odd flat experiences through the medium of notes left for fellow residents. I currently have the notes my landlord left for me framed on our hallway wall and if you're ever in town- they're well worth a look!
Finally if anyone is at London Book Fair on Wednesday come and see me talk at the Seminar room on Events at 12:30pm.
I've put that shameless bit of self promotion in despite knowing, for a fact, that no one who reads this will be a London Book Fair. I say shameless but I am a vbit ashamed. I probably should have just said: "Oh! and I'm talkiong at London Book Fair next week" but I wanted to make it sound more important. It works both ways though; I also wanted to make you the reader feel that you were reading some kind of insider book news about the "industry" and therefore were privy to something important.
Perhaps my assumption that you'd care is the flaw behind these emails.
All the best,
Alistair

Using a crutch

2006-09-27T18:21:00.000+01:00

Hi everyone,
I'm at home today because i have a fractured metartarsel bone in my foot. Actually that's not why i'm home, I'm home because I've been on crutches for five weeks (three left) and the joints and muscles on my wrists and hands is giving up!
I've decided to rest them- with the only exception being this email to you lot.It's been an incredibly long time since I did this. That's because my internal clock has now been set to london time where your too busy to do absolutely anything that anybody ever asks you to do and you still don't have time to get to the things that you'd like to.
It's a lot of fun though- i suppose you just end up getting a bit selfish, head down do the hard work and fiercely defend the evenings because there the only beautifully stress free moments of your day.
Our evenings are particularly special because we have a roof terrace (which we've stuck a couch onto) it's cool to have space to sit out in Lonodn. Before you start dreaming of decking and hammocks it's on the roof of someone elses bedroom, and the couch hurts when you sit on it. And when it rains we cover it with some tarpaulin that was meant for a car. Still - it's home.
Home is in islingotn and I work in Charing Cross Road for Borders, Camilla works near Kings Cross for the Childrens Society. Work is another thing that London ends up being all about, after all that's why most people are here- it's certainly not for health reasons or rent.
I'm absolutely loving work at the moment but it comes and goes- there are moments I despise it, but at least it's aleays evoking a strong emotion. I'm working on the events programme for opening new stores along with a host of other things including Hasselhoff signings and antique valuations. it's varied and pretty unique for someone who likes books and is also out going- it's pretty much perfect!
Pretty much... what would be more perfect would be if i was writing full time and that's something I'm still pushing for. Through work I have started making some useful contacts. Someback doors into the world of publishing- very useful. I have a short magazine article published, my short story of course, but more interestingly Simon and Schuster are looking at a Children's book me and my cousin Sarah have created (mainly Sarah!) and I'm trying to get a good friend from Down UNder published too.
My own writing is a slow process- I keep getting distracted and not having time to do it- which is why having it full time WOULD be berfect. Still it's all moving.
I bought a bike about three hours before putting myself on crutches for two months and I'm really looking forward to using it to get to work. It's the first time I've been even remotely close to getting into shape (although I fear even saying this might be an exaggeration- best to just ignore it!) I still eat too many pringles (those who are interested will know how pleased I was to find Cheese Pringles in my local TEsco! FINALLY! They're back- the campaign paid off). And those adverts they have now with people just drinking vegetable oil to show you what's really in your crisps are basically specifically made for me. (I'm drinking about two a week).
I've been watching LOST, being disapointed by the new DJ Shadow album, and really disapointed by the price of Cinema tickets in London (£9!! each) which I paid to go and see the Black Dahlia- that was really disapointing too!
Tonight I'll be doing a bit of writing, making food with Camilla and possibly watching a movie.
Hope everybody who recieves this is alive and well- I'd love to hear from you, but not from beyond the grave.
I'll try and write more often- or you could all set your clocks to London time and you'll be too busy to notice that's it's been two months....
Alistair
You read it! You can't UNread it!http://www.therealword.blogspot.com

LEWISHAM, London

2006-07-31T22:23:00.000+01:00

Here's a couple of quotes from the posters currently dotted around my house in Lewisham South East London:
"To flush the toilet please use a bucket of water." (The bucket is down the corridor in the shower room)
"In case of an odour please always open the window and use the air spray"
"I have connected the internet but there is a problem with the provider I will call them on June 12th to fix this issue."
"A small plastic casing- such as is used for film- has been found in the washing machine. That is why there is peices of film found in the wash. My friend James has cleaned the down pipe and now it will work."
"I don't know who you think you are, but after our ugly incident this morning, I have contacted my lawyers who will be sending a summons to the address of your university."
It's all just part of the campaign of insanity started by my drunk landlord who just moved himself in to the room that was mysteriously vacant when I cam eback from Bergen.
Actually it’s not all new, some of it has been going on for a while. As well as being drunk and a racist he’s been starting all manner of home improvements. He’s added a ceramic wash basin and bathroom cupboards to the outside of the house. Only a man on the boundary of genius and insanity could think of such a thing.
The other thing he’s done outside is construct a small enclosed area that takes up a ridiculous proportion of the garden (the rest of which is filled with crap.) I’ve done an ariel diagram as a visual aid:

BUT! It doesn’t matter because I’m moving out on the 1st of August into our new place (me and Camilla) it’s in Islington and is much better here is another visual aide:

I was in Norway last weekend that was awesome. I helped my friend and his fiance save a Seagull (hopefully anyway) they left in a box on the floor by some office buildings. That might not sound great but they did put up with it in their apartment for a whole sleepless night. It’s probably still alive joseph. Probably.
Actually as it escaped into the cat infested miniature shrubberies surrounding the office buildings- It did make me believe in the link between dinosaurs and birds. So it’s potential death at their hands is offset slightly by the slight increase in my knowledge. Cheers all around.
Norway was also awesome because of the weather and the barbeques and the bacon and cheese hot dogs and the attitude, style, coffee, food, and company. It was awesome. Thanks again Bergen for giving me so many good memories.
Back in London now and desperately waiting to get away from the mouse poo in this kitchen and into the roof terrace flat in Islington in Camilla.
Living the dream!
Peace out.

Website

2005-09-22T20:01:00.000+01:00

Before clicking the below link to the first Rooftops related website know this:
I tried to build a really good one by using Dreamweaver MX 2004. However I have no knowledge of how to work the program and wanted to get the site up and running in about a day, not a year. Therefore I used the Blueyonder (telewest) sitebuilder to get this simple affair off the ground.
It is a prototype for something that might come out if Rooftops gets picked up. It will tell any of you who don't know, about the story I've been writing, and give those of you who already are bored by the story some slight variety.
I emailled the story to some publishing friends of mine who run a small company in York and am waiting to hear what they think of it. I have also been trying to pressure the elusive Chicken House into making a decision on it and it's entirely possible that I have been short listed in a Waterstones competition, although all I have to go on for that is a nod and a wink from the girl at our local waterstones who was in charge of the competiton. She may have just been flirting with me, or more likely had some dust in her eye, personally I doubt that they even sent it off!
So inspired by another injection of potential (like drugs but cheaper) I went ahead and built the following website
http://www.cirrus.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk
Feel free to comment on it, or whatever, but as I say (especially to all you Norwegians who did web design at Melbourne) I don't understand dreamweaver (yet!) and did it in a day. So there!
Life apart from that is fine. I am busy at work and sick to the back teeth of corporate bookselling, but loving the feeling that soon i'll be contributing to the selves. My short story is published November 14th. Check out www.endpapers.co.uk
Peace!

Norway

2005-08-30T10:38:00.000+01:00

Hi
I thinks it's been a while since my last email. I have just started two days off after about eight days straight working since I got back from my holiday in Norway.
Norway was great. Camilla had some meetings with some charity organisations that went really well and might some day lead to some job oppourunties. I was wondering through town and managed to bump into no less than four good old friends within two mintues. This is very much in keeping with Bergens reputation as possibly the smallest city in a small world.
I discovered I was still good for a free coffee, I spent a long time catching up with old friends from the restaraunt industry, it was good to be remebered in Bergen, and good to catch up with all the latest. Many thanks to Jonathon and Joseph (although I didn't see Jonathon) your presence is always felt in Bergen.
The reason for the trip was Camillas grandparents having their 76th birhtday. We had an amazing seafood buffet with some shelled creatures that I'd never even seen before and plenty to drink. I made a decision to speak nothing but Norwegian all night (despite camillas view that I sound like a total loser in norwegian!). After a few beers this went down great (at least I think it did) and I think my norwegian is better than ever. I can't say everything I want to, but I can understand loads, and that feels great. In this vein I also bought a thrid norwegian book "Lemony Snickkets The Wide Window". These books are orginally written in english and are excellent fun. I'm reading the third in the series in Norwegian. It's a challenge but it feels good to get some jokes in a different languages, and to follow a story.
The book cost £17 in hardback (and it was only small). The bookstores there were selling harry Potter at a price around double to that it was in the UK (with the non-stop price wars). Althought the format of the bookstores is largely the same as it is in the UK I realised it would very tough, even with my new Norwegian knoweldge to successfully work in book retail in Norway. Still the plan remains that next year in Norway I'll be working again.
I may try and run the short story competition I was involved in here in Bergen, it would be a good way in to the industry and give me something interesting to be involved in. Hopefully of course, I won't need to work so much, hopefully I'll be writing!
I'm wating at home today because it is the deadline for The Chickenhouse to give me some feedback about the story Rooftops. It should be a yes/no descision. Either here are some tips- no thanks, or here is what we want you to do- yes please! I keep checking my inbox but nothing yet. It is also conceivable that they'll forget to do it but I've prepared for that as well. If they don't email me I'm going to call them tomorrow and hastle them (but in a nice way of course!)
I keep dreming about what they might say but honestly I have no idea which way it will go. You better believe that Ill let you know when I know!
All the best,
Alistair

2005-07-24T14:00:00.000+01:00

This is a picture of me at Norwegian Independance day celebrations in Melbourne. 17/05/2004

Round up

2005-01-25T20:57:00.000Z

Hello everybody,

It has been a long time since I wrote one of these, not becuase things haven't been happening but because Ive been pretty busy. Im at home now waiting for Camilla to come back from basketball practise so I can cook.

I have been sending my completed story to publishers and have a couple of interested parties reading it atthe moment to see what they think. It is very early days but replies, although mainly negative have had positive feedback about the story itself. Encouraged and because I can't be bothered working too much more on the story Ive sent off unless absolutely no one will touch it I have started writing a prequel. Its a slow beginning but its good to be starting again already.

Work is good, I have been promoted to Multimedia Supervisor- this means I'm in charge of music and DVDs. It also means I have a team of people under me. Pay has also increased so Im going in the right direction!

Going to Norway in February so Camilla can sit an entrance exam for the UN which is pretty exciting for her.

So things are ticking over, big news will be when Ima published author and Camilla is working for the UN. . . watch this space!!!

Hope you all are good.

Alistair Spalding

You read it! You can't UNread it!http://www.therealword.blogspot.com

work. busy.

2004-12-13T18:43:00.000Z

Hello everyone!

I have now finished the second draft of my story and am getting ready to send it off to publishers which is extremly exciting. It's also under consideration for the "litidol" competition thing too which is good.

Things at work are extremely hectic but I have some help now at the front of the store and Im managing things quite well. Everyday I set up pristinely the tables and re stock the walls and five mintues into everyday they are destroyed by shoppers whipped into a frenzy of christmas shopping by our christmas soundtrack. people are never more inconsiderate and annoying than when buying things for others during the holiday season.

Things here are fine Camilla is working hard and will be going back to norway on the 19th for two weeks. this sucks.

Im looking forward to being at home for christmas which I missed last year on account of being in Australia.

Ill write again soonish!

You read it! You can't UNread it!http://www.therealword.blogspot.com

Pugs

2004-11-26T10:55:00.000Z

Hi everybody!

This is an email especially for the Norwegians amoung this fine group of human beings ( as well as the Norwegian residents.) A Norwegian friend of mine here has a story coming out in Norway this week ans I need you all to drum up some interest AND if you're feeling a bit wealthy- hey!- Why not buy it??! Please please support a fellow struggling artist and ask firmly if they have any copies of:

WELLHAVENS VASE
AV
BJORN RUNE LIE
Linoleum Forlag is the publisher. This is really important for Bjorn so if you are Norwegian please forward the title to all your friends, and their parents! Its kind of a picture book for kids so it'll make a great christmas present for relatvies and should be worth a look!

Okay guys It's good to know that I'm sure you'll all be rushing out to support a felow artist! I've got my copy.

The other thing I'll keep you updated on is my entery into LITIDOL 2005 (literature idol) where my story rooftops will be under considereration by important people for the firs time. Although I think a few more drafts would help the story imensely I've got the oppourtunity to enter and am hoping that an original idea n\might get through so! Watch this space.

As I plug away for various peoples projects, some other of my friends in Bristol are running a hilarious "scientific" journal called NULL HYPOTHESIS, Visit them at www.nullhypothesis.co.uk and lets try and make that a success as well. Any one who is technically minded email them with an article or just email them to show them if you're intereseted!

Thanks people! I know I can count on you.

You read it! You can't UNread it!http://www.therealword.blogspot.com

brocolli and stilton

2004-11-15T12:44:00.000Z

It's onyl out of a packet but the soup Im a' suppin' now is absolutely delicious. Brocolli and stilton may yet be the best comination of vegetable and cheese ever heard of.

SO:

As well as not emailing anybody for a long time, despite the fact that i promised I would when I had broadband, I've been pretty busy.

Things at work (pause to eat soup) are going pretty well. I have been promoted (the kind of promotion without any financial improvement) from the heady heights of Gardening and Cookery to the Wonderfull world of fiction. Then i got promoted again to the "sales influencing role" of FOS a TLA (three letter acronym) meaning Front of Store. (Mmmmm this soup is good!) Here I control what sells to the people who first walk in through the door, do the window disÃ¥plays and bestsellers. This is all a bit more work with no extra money but im doing it because there is another manager position opening shortly and it puts me in a really good position to take it on. If i don't get that then I'll probably be leaving Borders soon after to get onwith my life. On my days off I've started working at Oxfam because one of the things I might be able to do after Borders is take on the management of one of their stores here in Bristol which would make me feel a whole lot better about my proffessional life. (awhhh, my soup finished).

I recently did something I don't normally do and sent you all a chain email to help save the brazillian rainforeset. I thought this was a good cause and apparently it WAS about ten years ago when the government actually voted on the issue I got you all to sign up for. SO thats the last time I EVER do that again. I blame Scott Howard, becuase it was his fault.

In response to the American elections I have also joined the Liberal Democrat party. It was the only thing I could think of to do in response. So now you can bet your asses Ill be emailing all of you come election time to try and swing some politics the right way over here! Really I did it for the little card they send you in return (which I haven't recieved yet).

The last piece of the jigsaw puzzle that is my busy life is the Story. I've now begun researching publishers to send it to and have set myself a deadline of this Wednesday to have the second draft completed. It's going really well and im more excited about it than ever. im also more paranoid becuase ever day i don't send it off I expect some other bastard to bring out something similar. For this reason I won't be sending it out to anybody until the contract with the publisher is signed. Very very cool. . .

So everybody, that's me. I hope this wasn't impersonal or nothing I try and keep it as personnal as I can, why are you never satisfied????!!!!!!!

This is Alistair Spalding, going to make some more soup, Signing off.

You read it! You can't UNread it!http://www.therealword.blogspot.com

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US vs Them

2004-11-04T16:27:00.000Z

Dear everyone,

So I buy all four futurama box sets and then they release the whole lot in a better looking futurama-orama container- DOH!

So im up late because the US elections are on the Television and Im hoping that there are two Nader Voting Californias registering their anti-bush sentiments from abroad- you know who you are!

The ridiculous opptomism of the Democrats makes me sure that they'll loose and this sucks. I feel so strongly that Bush need to get the hell out of office! At least for my own sanity if for no other reason! How come no americans are listening to my ideas huh? How inconsiderate! how rude?

So I'm eating little sweets to try and keep my suger levels high so I can stay awake!

So tomorrow Im helping out with an event tomorrow where two women tell other women what to wear and Im thinking- I know what to wear so why don't they shut up already!Also that they should wear more clothes. This event thing is good because its going to help me on my possible road to Borders stardom.

So if you slightly rearange the letters of Borders you can spell BORED. So if you try and print that on a t-shirt and try and wear it to work they tell you to take it off!

So I got passed over for one management position, but thats ok because they had to give it to some idiot for no reason. Fine.

So far its BUSH: 157

KERRY: 112

and the democrats are still going crazy playing trumpets etc. . . but they didn't win yet, I don't understand. Still they're all having funwhile the people in Iraq suffer, and thats what really matters.

I tried to vote in the American elections but they wouldn't let me for some ridiculous reason about something which I was too angry to try and understand.

So I got another email address to see if it was fun. If anyone wants to they can contact me on alistairspalding@gmail.com its the Google version of email and only pretty cool people are allowed in, so none of you HA!

I think this democrat guy is so cool if enthusiasm won elections he would rule, underneath me.

so I hope this finds you all looking atthe tv screens wondering what the hell is going on in a world where its OK for Bush to have another term when he is a horribly self centered policy maker.

Go KERRY!

You read it! You can't UNread it!http://www.therealword.blogspot.com

Faster than e-mail, more discreet than a phone call and best of all it's free - download MSN Messenger today!

On the up!

2004-10-23T18:39:00.000+01:00

Norway is ace, theyfilled all my tax returns and hunted me down to give me a rebate! What other pcountry would bother, fresh mountain spring water and hastle free tax rebates, those guys sure know how to live!

Exciting postal news. . . Yesterday I got my provisional driving license! This is super! Now I can learn to drive and provide valid identification for things like gun licenses, booze, legal dugs etc.

I have also applied for a promotion internally at Borders, Im applying for the post of Office Superviosr, lathough my ideal supervisor role would be in events I feel that this is a rocket propelled oppourtunity to shoot upwards into the upper stratosphere of corporate whoredom. If this doesn't work out Ive been in contact with Oxfam bookstores and they're keen to have me on board, they're going to talk to me againin January and see if theres anything I can do. Wicked.

Camilla has almost finished her thesis which means soon Ill be back to writing on the story which is also very exciting.

So that is the update on my life and I hope your own pales into insignificane compared to it!

Please still check out www.modertoss.com because the future of comedy is here (Scott don't you do it!)

Be cool everybody!

Alistair

You read it! You can't UNread it!http://www.therealword.blogspot.com

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broadband!

2004-10-10T22:45:00.000+01:00

Hello everybody!

I'm now sitting in the new flat positioned above one of the finest kebab shops in bristol. The fine and upstanding engineers from the exemplirary telewest broadband company came around this afternoon and we now have extra channels of rubbish television, a phone line and non stop hip hop internet.

Things in Bristol have been good so far. The job atBorders ios working out pretty well, When I goback to work on Tuesday Ill be moving down to the fiction section, kind of a promotion, or at least I thinnk so, because I have been stuck in the gardening and antiquing section! People at work are fun but most of them are leaving. Masses of the old skool cruare disapearing which is good, theres a lot of room to manouver but bad because moral is pretty low. Don't worry though, Im doing my best to cheer everybody up and remind them that basically working in a bookstore is a nice and easy job which us English students are lucky to have! One of the perks of the job is free books, we get free proof copies of new releases thatwe can help ourselves to and my book case has doubled very quickly, mainly with rubbish but never mind.

This means that if i wasn't lazy Id have no excuses for not sending you all lots of books for christmas as it wouldn't really cost me anything. . .of course, this is not going to happen.

Work on my story is still slow because Camilla needs full time computer access as her thesis deadline draws ever nearer, only a few weeks left to go but plenty of work to do!

The flat were living in is amazing! Tall Victorian ceilling- I say they're four metres high but my dad says that Im lying. We can step out of the front room onto the roof of the kebab shop and enjoy the fraggrant aroma of chicken tikka naan (which I ate last night) and enjoy the sights and sounds of White ladies road in Bristol. <bristol (for those who don't know) is full of rich kids whose ancestors were up to their white elbows in the slave trade and has since stopped doing anything usefull apart from being a bit arty. Still , luckily all those rich people made enough money selling black kids and their momas into the service of us white folks that there is still plenty left to fund some toff kids to buy books at borders which gives me a job which means i can sit here and rwrite this email- thats a circle of some form of truth. True.

Here are some wicked wicked things that you must all get involved in first is Modern Toss a comic book thats not for the faint hearted, the second is www.null-hypothesis.co.uk which is done by some of a friends of Camillas friends and is worth getting into. Im still realy into Blockhead. Now I have broadband I am all ready to begin my new life as an online entity so look out. . .

More later, we've all got time!

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2004-09-16T11:36:00.000+01:00

Hello everyone.

About a month ago on arriving in Bristol a strange man in a multi coloured black cloak with long white hair approached and give me a ring!

"Roll up roll up!" he said. Along I came, "you look like an intelligent young man!"

"thank you" I said.

Later he was gone with half of my money but I had the ring!

So I put this ring on and it made me disapear and it was only five minutes ago that I got it off and managed to sprint to this internet cafe and write this email.

Phew,

So here I am in bristol and i haven't stopped moving since we arrived, literarly, I haven't stopped moving! Ive been on Rowans floor, Hildes floor, and now some guys who i don'r really know floor.

Working at Borders is ace and Im settling in well. Will move into a new flat next wednesday and will have broadband internet (and thus the ability to send more emails!) UNtil then though I'm living on the edge and have a lot of work to do seen as how Ive been invisible.

I am alive and theres not a day gos by when i don' think about YOU:

Joseph Mike Jonathon Dave Clare Jack Sam Helen Chris Toby Tim TIM Dan Rowan Andy Julia Lek Mark Ric Christopher Morten Sigurd Scott Stewart Yuki PG Mikkel Thy and of course Camilla.

Ill try and do better, but I was invisible, after all. . .

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Bristol

2004-08-24T23:23:00.000+01:00

Hi everyone, it's a bit late here in bristol where I have spent two days off after a seven day week at K ill F irst C ustomer wandering the annoyingly steep and surprisingly windy Bristol.

Flats here are like being in Norway but without the Norweigan wages to accompany it. My interview with Borders was a bit Formulaic and disaponting. I thought it would be more spontaneous and relaxed. I also thought they were going to offer me the managers job and fell apart a bit when they didn't. . .

I have another interview tomorrow morning, as well as juggling two more flat viewings before I rush back to a joyful evening reunited with K idnap F at C hildren in the kitchen where I can spend five hours gutting chicken- gutted.

Read Eats Shoots and Leaves (a punctutation book) and am impressed with my own use of the dash above, but am doing this whilst over looking the gastly punctuation that is the usual fair of my other emails- and this email.

Bristol is a good place to be though and dispite a string of unfortunate (mainly my fault) incidents I still feel like this place has a vibe which, strangely enough Preston does not have. Many thanks are due to my friend Rowan and his friend Luke and his grilfriend Lou for putting me up at extremely short notice and entertaining me with a high degree of success.

If the interview at Waterstones doesn't go well though I will start to worry about living here, I want a good job, better than K indly F ill C olhesterol, and Im starting to think that Bergen may be on the cards. A lot to decide.

I'm also very keen to have Camilla back because I've found the past month without her pretty frustrating. I've missed her company alot and can't wait to see her again. She's torn between Bergen and Bristol as well and we might need to have a think about what next. For now though, I like Bristol and will keep trying online to find some flatrs that are more within our price range and still supa cool etc.

Upcoming things happening are not much (apart from Camillas return) but coming down to Bristol has at least provided some much needed momentum away from K etamin F oul C riminal and on to the next place and experience.

Hope you are all well,

Alistair

K ant F ilosophised C ooly

K atherine F ound C larinet

K adavres F ile C almly

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Im B-B-Back!

2004-08-17T20:57:00.000+01:00

Well, I've emerged, bleary eyed and slightly dazed from a strange two week period where I didn't hate KFC. Ive spent the past two weeks selling fat people and their fat children fattening food in a place which must be responsible for the destruction of a half rainforest with the amount of waste paper it produces. I've suffered patronising gazes of said fat people who look at me with pity becuase I work at KFC. I've found out that two people, one of whom I knew quite well, had been ripping the store off for Â£800 a week for the past two years or so (they've been sacked). BUT somehow I didn't mind, my soul was away for a few weeks, and it all seemed normal, the fourteen year old work mates, the disgusting chicken, everything.

So engrossed was I that I stopped emailling but Im back! Today at KFC they stuck me in the Kitchen which is hot and sweaty and hatefull. I woke up and realised that I need to leave fast! I' have been applying for other jobs and it looks like I have an oppourtunity at Waterstones in Bristol as well as Borders in Bristol (they want me for an interview). This is good news indeed.

Just to keep the pot stirring I also applied for a job as a library assitant for a year in an adult education center in Bergen which I can tell Jonathon and Joseph and the rest of the Bergen cru I will be taking if they offer it too me. So things are looking up for good old alistair and the emails are slowly winding back up again (this is where you all say "hooray"!)

The story is also going well. It's taken a while but Im starting to fill in those plot holes that were gaping and wide throughout the story. Much respect is due to the talented Mister Howard without whose patient spelling corrections the second draft would not be proceeding well at all. So Im going to go back and write my story and wish you all well,

Hope to hear from each and every one of you sooner or later.

PEACE PEEPS.

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2004-08-01T12:32:00.000+01:00

Hello everybody,

Firstly Im truly sorry that I haven't replied personnaly to alot of you in a while. I have received and been made to feel bad by, all your many emails. I just haven't had the time since sunning on an island to get back to everyone. I will be writing all of the faithfull back as soon as I can. Just don't hate me because Im slow.

First things (the above being said) is to give everyone my new mobile number:

07981 127 161

There.

I got back to Preston a week ago andf have managed to secure a wicked job already. Im going to be wrapping burgers in the "mid-section" at KFC. I should be there today but Im so depressed about it I've put it off until tomorrow. Hopefully I will be getting a job ay my dads work for a month. Then the plans is to take Camilla to Bristol and look for more wicked (or possibly even wickedider) jobs there and live there for as long as a peice of string generally is.

My story is going excellently but I've decided not to show it to anybody now. Sorry all the people who've asked recently. I've had some really great feedback from lots of people but for now Im going to keep a tight lid on it. Im getting nervous about its potential- the second draft is taking ages because my first draft is full of plot holes and disapearing characters! Still its fun to be writing.

My cousins have been down over the weekend. My Resume got a do over by a human resourcer (which sounds like someone who harvest human organs) and a marketer. Just so anyone who is interseted knows my objective is

"TO BE INVOLVED WITH THE MARKETING, PUBLISHING, AND SALES OF MY OWN AND OTHERS WRITTEN WORK IN A DYNAMIC AND INNOVATIVE WAY."

Wow I guess that means Im pretty cool or something- I don't know. I got some cool stuff for my birthday including the third season of FUTURAMA from my bro. So the saga continues I also got Pokemon on the gameboy as did two others of my friends! This means basically that Im living the dream. In fact before my cousins slightly modified my Resume heres how it read:

"TO BECOME THE GREATEST POKEMON TRAINER OF ALL TIME AND THEN CAMPAIGN FOR THE VIEWING OF FUTURAMA WHILST EATING CHEESE PRINGLES TO BE MANDATORY."

Actually one of these things was close to happening when my research into the disapearence of cheese Pringles led to a shocking discovbery! A pack of Cheese Pringles! It was found in a end of line shop and said Oranjeboom on the side but was unmistakbly "cheese ums". Oh happy day! Unfortubnately I ate them all immeifdiately with saving any for posterity. This means the possibility of cloning the first Pringles was wiped out as I promtly consumed them into distinction. There maybe more pack oput there however. Keep looking team and let me know what you see!

Alright I have some personnal messages coming your way:

Rowan, Jonathon, Dave, Scott, Raymond, Swaeby, Clare and others

But for now:

I'm OUT!

PEACE

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Postcard part2

2004-07-15T02:33:00.000+01:00

The endless walking around the airport has led me back here again to one of the free internet computers. Got some of the developed pictures back and think Im going to finish it off and get them all developed. The only problem is that this won't leave me enough for a coffee and Im dog tired. Ican sleep on the plane but it's pretty important that I don't sleep before I get there. I haven't slept now since yesterday morning when we were rudely awoken by builders in our hotel roof.

My eyes keep falling off to sleep and Im starting to feel pretty out of it. In fact Im pretty sure that in my last email (not half an hour ago I was swearing off the cofee and here i am gasping for it.

Finally got agot a good role of pictures. Camilla is the photographer out of the two of us but unfortunately it was me who had the camera and with six rolls of film i got a bit trigger happy! DOH!

Im reading NO LOGO at the moment which is very good and interesting. It meant that instead of eating fast food just now I had some noodles. Feel very proud.

Anyway going now for coffee or sleep.

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2004-07-09T15:33:00.000+01:00

Hi everyone!

Must be quick because Camilla is sat on my lap in a crowded internet cafe which is on a slow satelitie conection.

I'm having a great time. Have seen: a monkey eat pringles, fish as big as me, monitor lizards, those funny and mysterious toilets that are nothing but a hole and a hose, sandy beaches etc.

Ill write properly when I can

Miss you all

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Homeward Bound

2004-06-28T09:11:00.000+01:00

Hi All!

it's only a week until we sling our hooks and shift continents yet again.
Looking forward to a great holiday in malaysia and seeing alot of Old
friends back in the Uk. Before i do that, of course, theres the small matter
of saying goodbye to the (mainly Norweigan) friends I've made in Australia.

With that devious thought in mind I tricked about five of them into giving
me their email addresses and added them the list of unfortunates who are
forced to hear what I'm doing. On adding names to the list I noticed a lot
of redundant names. By redundant i mean people who don't wwrite to me
anymore and possibly don't even care about me. If you are one of the people
who is not reading my emails and doesn't care about me:

STOP IT AND SHUT-UP

Velcommen (that's norweigan for "shut up" ) to the latest continent of
friends to be added to my email list!

I told alot of the guys last night and I'll tell them again now( already
they will be tired of hearing my stories) about my hideous and depraved exit
from work.

I'm in the office on my own today (apart from the guy who Im training but
hes on lunch so I AM on my own) so I thought I'd take the time to write
about what a gutless creep I am. When I decided to quit this job I felt so
bad about it I was super tressed and worried for a day and so i couldn't say
anything. Then when I finally did say something I blammed it on Camilla. I
went to the agency and told them that there was a family emergency and we'd
have to go home. Unfortunately I was so genuinely distressed about lying
while i said this that they took it really seriously and extremely kindly
and felt sorry for me.

Then I et back to the office and tell some more people- by this point i can
feel the flames of hell toasting my big fat ass and was again exremely
worried. The people here are so nice (which i guess is kind of the reason I
decided to lie to them in the first place- Im a bastard) that they are very
supportive and extremly concerned offering me time off if i need it and
giving me their support. this all of course makes me feel worse. I wish Id
had the guts to be a bastard in the first place and let them all know.

On top of this is the fact that my Manager actually DOES have an emergency
with a sick friend and was planning to go and see them. Because i think I
would have had to kill myself If she wasn't allowed to go I told them that
it was extremely important to me that she be allowed to. Therefore as well
as already being supportive they also think Im a bit of a hero.

Im very much concidering not sending this email because it is so shocking
but then maybe it'll be theraputic and maybe it'll get me caught out which
is probably what i deserve. Please don't hate me.

in other news the flat is rented and and bags are almost packed travel
insurance has been bought Malaria medication has not been taken so i think
we're ready to go. I am going to buy some cheap shades and not dwell on my
rotten soul.

More tales from the darkside to come. . .

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The day after yesteray- or TODAY!

2004-06-23T23:39:00.000+01:00

Hi everyone,

This is just a quick email to update you all. I've been so busy the past
week its been difficult to find time to sit at computer.

Things are looking good for malasia. I finally quit my job but in an
unspeakable unspeakable way. Camilla had a birthday yesterday and we saw the
day after tomorrow which was the most hilarious movie Ive seen in a long
time. We have the flat rented in a super sweet manner. Theyre taking the
lease offf our hands and we can leave all the furniture there so we don't
have to worry about moving it. Its worked out very well and weve been very
lucky.

We might have a friend with a car in Malasia who can drive us all over the
country but me and Camilla are determind to chill on a nice beach with a bit
of snorkelling for basically the whole time.

I will write agin about the job when its not such a fresh horror in my mind.
Im still working out my time here until tuesday of next week. RThen its a
day packing and splitsville baby.

Peace Hombres

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Hai Kudos!

2004-06-16T03:55:00.000+01:00

I'm back
on my apple mac

for luncheon.

Thats a Hai Ku poem about my sandwhich, it's Ham on rye for me which, as
well as being a description of my lunch is also the title of my favourite
book. In techincal english terms we call occurences such as this (where your
lunch is also the title of your favourite book) "HILARTOM" from the latin
"HILAR"- meaning "the same as" and the aboriginal "TOM"- meaning "My
lunch". Interesting and untrue, I think you'll agree.

We had a phone call about the flat last night which is extremely exciting
but well have to wait and see if anything at all comes from it. Just now I
wrote an email to another friend where I said "everyone on the trams is
annoying apart from me" which I think is quite funny.

Camilla is at university doing her last exam which is a three day unseen
effort and extremely interesting- hence the first part of this email was a
rant on politics.

I feel suddenly- after the huge amount of energy i bragged about in the
first part of this email, like i don't have anything else to say.

Well there is one thing.

I feel like maybe, you know, like, life, right, is like a big IN BOX and you
never really get to the bottom of it. Especially not with me sending you so
many emails HHHHHAAAAAAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

Hope everyone is well.

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news inspired. . .

2004-06-16T00:09:00.000+01:00

All inspired by last nights superb news!

I'm sure you've all heard about that super size me movie. It's all about
some guy who eats mcDonalds (or Maccers as they call it here) for a month.
The news analyists were in agreement last night that McDonalds Australia
committed public relations suicide by releasing a series of adverts in
response to the movie, as well as all the ones already in place to prevent
law suits. In the adverts the CEO of McDonalds Australia goes on Tv and says
something along theese lines:

"I'm sure you've all seen the movie. The guy amazingly finds that eating a
lot of food for a month and doing no exercise is unhealthy- We could have
told him that."

And thats it. The problem is that not only does his reaction give
credibility and publicity to the movie but theyve played their top card- the
Ace of Spades- the CEO. Whats left to be said if something really terrble
happens at McDonalds, or maybe i mean something terriblerer.

The other thing is What the heck is America going to charge Sadam with?! The
Iraqis think they will get him for trial in two weeks but the Americans say
that this is news to them! The human rights and legal groups say that if
he's not charged they've got to let him go. America won't be able to
bullshit a link to terrorism because there will probably be a lot of
scrutiny. They will be worried about giving him to the Iraqis in case they
stuff it up and let him go anyway. If they charge him with W.O.M.D (by the
way i think that new faithless song is way cool) they'll need some proof. If
they charge him with human rights abuses won't they have to explain how
Saddams abuses are different to other middle eastern religous dicatorships
and therefore worthy of attack. After all I pretty certain Turkey and Saudi
Arabia have dubious human rights as well.

I'm often glad that Im not George W Bush, but today the sentiment is
especially true. Heh heh.

The other thing was about the four british soildiers who got caught with
pictures of tortured prisoners when they DEVELOPED THE PHOTOS AT A LOCAL
SHOP. And my friend Chris, an otherwise intelligent man, thinks the army is
good. Beware soldiers, with ever vigilant photography developers around, no
crime will go un punished.

Im at work right now and because my boss is continuously late i have time to
go get a coffee, sit down and abuse all of your eyes with my left wing commi
crap and still make it look like i've done some work when she comes in. Life
is better after what was a slow three day weekened for me and feeling
positive about receiving my next pay check and buying some stuff i need for
malaysia, you know like the new Beastie Boys Album and a beer.

Wow my computer is struggling- you lucky things i think ill have to stop but
i could go on forever- more later!

Al.

Ps I miss Futurama

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2004-06-08T04:38:00.000+01:00

Hello everybody!

The other day I saw the olympic tourch. This was kind of a coincidence, I
made no effort to see it at all it just kind of wandered past and there I
was. I know plenty of people who really tried to see it and had no luck.
Then I saw this guy on TV saying that there is a flame inside of all of us
that never goes out and it is a flame of goodness. And I thought maybe it
was heartburn or indegestion.

The torch was being carried by a really unathletic person who was going
quite slowly and i'm not sure if he looked like he was going to be able to
make it all the way around the world but then I could be wrong but then they
said he was a comdeian not an athlete so i don't think so.

And then Im reading this book about how the pressures on the poor old people
who run televsision stations and newspaper are under all this
institutionalised and internalised pressure to just cater to consummers and
maintain the Status Quo but Sataus Quo were a shit band when they were
popular so I don't think I like that.

Then I started listening to a good band but one that I didn't really listen
to too much before. Simon and Garfunkels greatest hits. I once thought my
dad liked Simon and Garfunkel, but it turned out he liked Gilbert and
Sullivan who are very different really.

Camilla has exams today so lets all wish her luck (good luck camilla!) and
give her a big kiss (only I can do that but you guys can all feel free to
wish her luck.)

Im at work now on much lunch break eating bread and cheese and ham in a
combination know as a sandwitch so im not going to talk about work Just In
Case but you all know what Im thinking and how Im feeling. I am going to
talk about how I spread left over avocado dip on my bread instead of butter
which is really quite delicious. mmmmmMMMMMMM.

Things overall are good (Im back to normal now) the flat still needs
leasing and tidying and we still need to pack and work out where in Malaria
(oops! I mean Malaysia) we are going to and how to find money to pay for
things like accomodation and food but ALL IS GOOD!!!!!!

MISS YOU ALL AND REALLY GOOD LUCK TO CAMILLA XXX

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From the UNI

2004-06-04T05:42:00.000+01:00

On a vague kind of rolling along all day lunch break which started at
elleven and is looking like continuing unitl at least five when i go home.

Not bad.

Had donuts this morning! Im at the end of my first week at the new job here
and if you judge the quality of your job by the amount of tea and coffee
breaks available then this one is tops.

Just so you all know I walked out of my low paying but super cool bookstore
job into a well paying but kinda crap temp job.

My title is Administrative Officer for the Postgraduate School of Medicine,
faculty of medicine and dentistry, Melbourne university.

I think that i'm now qualified to conduct surgery or something, they haven't
really explainned it all to me yet but Im learning. Mainly what i do is
write emails and file and stuff. Its all good because im so high on cafine
and sugarey donuts that the day passes in a blissful haze of hallucinations.

Cool.

My story is going nowhere for now whilst I try and sort out all the things
which have to be done before we leave like

getting shots for Malaria

and lots of other things which Im trying to stay calm about. Most things are
easy but the very not cool thing is having to quit this job two months
before they think im going to. They're all very nice people here and i hate
to lie to them but i do everyday. I blame the new addiction to cafine for
the morally dubious route my career is taking at the moment. Still i don't
really have a choice.

Well, now i made myself feel bad for screwing these people and the agency
over so Im going to do some work and try not to accidentallly send this to
my boss.

You read it! You can't UNread it!

Alistair

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Malaria free for <7> days!

2004-05-29T07:48:00.000+01:00

Hello everyone!

Malaria still absent from our lives we continue to try and cram a whole heap of stuff into our lives.

I start a new job on Tuesday working as a liason to postgraduate students at melbourne Faculty of Medicine and Dentistry. Sounds impressive but I think a lot of it is telling students that they missed their deadlines and so their projects are worthless. That and data entry. Feel pretty shitty about starting a job for the nice people down there when its only temporary but, I need the money so what can I do?

Had all these big plans about leaving my job in a blaze of shit giving to the owner Tony a man who, in the words of a co-worker, unfortunately won the battle against cancer. He is a big loser and i talked myself up to giving him a load of shit and leaving. In the end I decided not to burn the bridge and limited myself to making him feel sorry he losing me by talking about how great i am (something I can do easily) and explaining that the wage he was paying me was illegal and too low (but in a nice way!)

As well as being healthy together for more than a week now me and Camilla also get to break the lease on our house. When Camilla did this over the christmas period from her last flat it seemed relatively simple. Now (because I'm invlolved) it seems tricky. We have a month to get someone into our house or we are stuck paying rent until February. The agent thinks we could have a tribunal and get the lease shortened but he looked pretty panicked, at least he didn't shout at me or anything, Im sure well manage!.

Got ghlowing reponses from the people at the employment agency and the new job Im starting which is good, they were impressed with my CV which is reassuring. Also happy because today I borrowed a computer from my cousins and will shortly be returning to watching Futurama and making the flat look respectable for potential renters!

Rock on! Im looking forward to Malaysia! Also rewriting my story, the second draft is going well so far and its all very exciting. One of my writing friends sent his finished work into a competition and I expect you all to buy his book if it wins! Anyway off to watch "War is the H Word", a really good Futurama episode with the line. "Im getting testy! We've all seen to many body bags and ball sacks."

ENDTRODUCING

ALISTAIR

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more progress

2004-05-22T08:01:00.000+01:00

Had a great evening uestaerday, met a girl who is an illustrator and she's won some competition where she's working on a childrens book about a girl and her shadow and she's doing the pictures, and she's good at doing the pictures. And when she won the comptetition she's got help form the editors at allen and unwin (which is a publisher) and she told me about some people that i could go and see and I got some postcards with pictures of a dog and a butterfly on them and on the back of the postcards was this website address you can all have a look at:

www.rosiemckague.com and another:

www.thestylefile.com

(pause here for breath, and perhaps some refreshments like sandwiches with the crusts got off.)

All contact information is good and, like the black hole that I am I sucked here into my mailing list and now I'm going to torutre her with emails forever! Mwahahahaha! Obciously, Im not sending her this one! Anyway it was a lot of fun, we also wathced finding Nemo and I got the chance to argue with two Israeli guys about the wall.

Tonight me and camilla are going to my friend Scott from works house where we're getting fed and drunk.

I found out the other day that I'm earning well below minimum wage, even for a cash under the table job. This suks, but the agency work is looking promising. Although the chance to work at a publishers has officially fallen through i might be going to work at the university in the post graduate department and deal with students and their coursework.

I keep running out of work with a panniced look on my face to talk to the agency about jobs. Then I come back in looking stressed and nervous so now everyone thinks that some major "shit" is going down, but they have no idea what. Ive decided to cultivate this attitude until the day i tell them I quit, and I'm going to quit as mysteriously as I can so i can become some kind of mythological bookselling figure, and maybe someone will write a book about that.

I was supposed to go and break the lease today but the offices were closed so Ill go and do it on tuesday when I have the afternoon off because of my interview at the post graduate centre.

So far. .. no malaria! Yeah! That is about the only thing of my achievments set out in the last email that I've managed to do, not catch malaria.

ENDTRODUCING

ALISTAIR

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Progress!

2004-05-20T03:59:00.000+01:00

Congratulations!

I don't know if it made the news in the UK or Norway but it sure did here! Progress! In Iraq no less! What was the proof of progress? Ten News explainned it to us;

"Under Sadams regime the Iraqi people couldn't buy mobile phones- now they buy 15,000 a week, that's progress!"

This was the end of their headline "news"story about the "shocking" "revelations" "confessed" by the prime minister of Australia John Howard that;

"The war in Iraq might be more difficult than we first thought."

News indeed! I tried to email the news station to thank them, but they don't have an email address or a good website, the station is owned by rupert Murdoch, maybe i could thank him, does anyone have his address? It seems they think Australians are stupid but I hope they're incorrect! it looks like John Howard might loose this election coming up, here's hoping!

Unfortunately no progress, real imagined, spin-doctored or otherwise, on my hunt for jobs, the bookstore is good but it smells funny at the moment because the hords of mice that infest the old buildings of melbourne are for some reason dying under the floorboards. If your not turning your nose up at the stench you are sprayed with harsh deoderiser and gasping for breath.

Speaking of the bookstore, my lunch break is over.

Progressing

ALISTAIR

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Moving on!

2004-05-19T04:01:00.000+01:00

It doesn't really sem like I've been in melbourne all that long but it very suddenly seems like Im leaving soon!

Signed up with an agency and have been offered work already in the postgraduate department of a university- It sounds good and might be interesting to be on the recieving end of students and coursework rather thanbeing the stressed one. It would start in two weeks and run through until when i leave. Could be perfect! Still planning on going to malaysia and will need some injections and bottled water. This new job could be just the ticket to get me through Malaysia with my stomach contents undisturbed! here's hoping!

This weekend we get to tell our landlord that we're going to break our lease, that will be heaps of fun- N O T. It sucks to be organising all this leaving stuff a month before leaving I'm starting to feel less settled. Still change is good- Right?

Still hopefull about the publishing job but for now this other one will do.

Up to my third re-done chapter in my book- so far so good but it's taking alotlonger to go through this way. Been working on it masses at the moment, plenty of time spent at Camillas uni pretending Im a student! it's really good, if i say so myself!

Anyway, I hope you are all well, watch out for the rising stress levels as I chop and change jobs, finish housing contracts early and try and avoid malaria! Exciting things still to come, watch this space!

ENDTRODUCING

ALISTAIR

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17 MAI

2004-05-17T04:15:00.000+01:00

The World of Norway is joined in celebration today.

It's the day when they finally stood up and said: "Sweden! We don't belong to you anymore! We're our very own country!"

It seems that they also said: "P.S. in about 150 years when we're stuck with Nil Pwoint in Eurovision 2004 please save our asses with 3 points."

I hope Norweigan celebrations are not dampened by the Generosity of Sweden. Celebrations will include:

Shouting "Hurrah!" Eating porridge and imagining that it qualifies as national food. Eating salty dried meat- of their own free will. Feeding children SALTY sweets (thats right.) and then drinking heavily. Yes Norway has come along way since the time of Vikings, and it's celebrated independance. From cruelty to children all the way through to alcoholism Norway has it all!

Gratulerer med Dagen! Hurrah for 17Mai!"

ENDTRODUCING

ALISTAIR

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Pokemon or Futurama

2004-05-16T07:40:00.000+01:00

It's one of the fireiest deabtes going around at the moment and I just know every body has a big opinion. Lets just ry and solve this once and for all. We have to end the violence people!

Pokemon is: Cute, addictive, has infinite possibilities for new adventures, has pokemon in it, is financially huge, promotes "healthy" biological research amoungst children.

Futurama is: Funny, has a robot in, also has infinite possibilities for adventures, doesn't have any pokemon, was financially mysterious and ended suddenly, promotes an understanding of quantum physics amoungst young adults.

Well, we're just going nowhere here people. Any thoughts?

Let's get this one solved so we can go back to worrying about what to have for dinner tonight.

the real word

2004-05-15T04:20:00.000+01:00

Hi everyone!

I now rekon I've got well over 50 people on this email list, they don't all fit on the posting line up there at the top of the email anymore so I had to put all of you in a group. I called the group The Word becuase i think that sounds cool.

This rambling introduction is a preamble to this: Tim Bowman sent me an email the other day where you can make a webpage to write stuff on the internet. I did this and in glorious celebration of all you people I called it THE REAL WORD. Now any of you can go and access any of the great and wonderous things I like to talk about at any time you'd like.

Also becuase I am so wise you may wish to share my views with other people (my views are really great after all.) So here is the web page:

http://therealword.blogspot.com/

I've got headstarted with a few entries and all of my emails from now on will be posted (assuming that i've really cracked this whole internet thing and know what i'm doing.) Pleae feel free to let anyone else you dam well please in on it. Some of you will be wondering why on earth i would bother doing this. To those people I say:

GET OVER IT!

No word as yet on the possible publishing job down here in chilly Melbourne, I think I'm going for an interview for it on tuesday but I could be completely incorrect. It pays a lot better than my current job which unfortunately i still love and will be hard to leave if i do. Hours there are okay for now but job security has gone the way of the dodo and in it's place is paranoia ambition and greed. Ah well.

This Monday I'm sure we'll all be celebrating Norweigan Independence day! For those of you who haven't experienced this before let me explain how to celebrate it: eat salty meat and drink beer. Ill be doing those very things at a gathering of about 5,000 norweigans (maybe it's not 5,000 that seems like a huge number, maybe 500, or less even) in Albert Park in Melbourne on Monday night. . .. cool!

me and Camilla are having a quiet weekend until then. we're both still trying to shake off various diseases that we keep infecting each other with. I think we're up to a month now of one or other or both of us being under the weather. this weekend we're determind to get better.

We're both at Uni, Camillas essay writing and I'm story writing and playing with the site.

Thanks for the emails Claire (Sorry if my drinking offends you) and tim (now see what you've done!)

http://therealword.blogspot.com/

The Real WORD

ALISTAIR

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Respect

2004-05-15T03:38:00.001+01:00

Last night on the news this happened:

Just as the Bush and Rumsfeld have to really start to apologise for things in Iraq after the recent torture photos an Iraqi group broadcasts an assassination of an american civilian over the internet. I'm very against the war, but this event was evil beyond belief and shook my anti war stance (briefly) the pictures of the mans grieving family were really touching.

Then the mans father puts a sign up in his yard saying War Is Not The Answer and lays his sons death at the feet of Bush and Rumsfeld. It would have been so easy for him to have supported the war, attacked his sons murderers but he managed to stand up for what he believed. The father is a true hero.

You can see the story as it appeared in Australian SBS news at the following website:

http://www9.sbs.com.au/theworldnews/transcript.php#

Worthy Links

2004-05-11T07:04:00.000+01:00

Be assured oh reader of the web page that I would not trouble you with annoying, pointless, trashy, or enjoyable links. What follows is of the highest class (this may explain why there is not so many).

www.fotowords.com
This is my good friend Jonathon from Norway via Italy/The Bay Area website containing his photographic work.

www.thecatempire.com.au
This is the best Australian band I've heard since arriving.

www.ninjatunes.com
The best music being produced in the world is right here.

www.academicbooks.com.au
This is a shocking site for the bookstore I work at but it has some pictures, sorry, none of me.

Endtroduction to The Real Word

2004-05-11T06:33:00.000+01:00

Welcome one and all to the online, and accessible by all version of my already cripplingly huge and altogether too regular e-mails.

The Word is the name of the group email which so many of you have come to be aware of, an epic tale chronicling, thus far, a year as a waiter in Norway and a life in Bookstores in Melbourne.

Thanks to Tim Bowman, a generally silent recipient of my emails for giving me an excuse to put my tiresome stories out there on the web!

This is my first experience with anything resembling a website in my own name so forgive me if Im a little slow and uncomfortable with the format, it's a bit like being naked, having some stuff you wrote on the internet. I will try and make this thing as fun to be with as my emails!

Thanks involuntary subscribers!